“Rivers know this: there is no hurry. We shall get there some day.”

“Falling in love is very easy for me, but giving in is near impossible. And I am fine with it.” 

                                                                                    – Anonymous

This stranger read my mind—and my heart, for I have thought the same thing so many times over.

I can find romance everywhere but in myself.

I find love around every corner, but I have never known love. 

And for now, I’m alright with that. I see everyone around me so intent on finding someone to date, but I don’t understand it. I don’t understand the rush to be in a relationship with the one that you’ll spend the rest of your life with; you have the entire rest of your lives to find that great love.

I’m in no rush to give in, and I expect that when it happens, it won’t be of my own accord. But when it happens, I’ll be waiting.

tonight i'm going to dance for all that we've been through ♥

o1. i miss the way you drive me crazy. i miss the way you play devil's advocate like nobody's business. i miss the way that we argued over the deep, philosophical issues, but also the way that we argued over utter nonsense, and the way you made me laugh. you always kept me on my toes. i'm also intensely curious as to where you'll be in ten years. i'll see you soon. SCIENCE AND AUTOCORRECT AND FRIENDSHIP

o2. i thought i had it all figured out, but then you walked in and everything changed. suddenly i don't know anything anymore. all i know is that i want to know you better. PERFECT STRANGERS

o3. where would i be without you? you've been there literally since day two, and we've seen the craziest things happen together. someday, someone's going to realize that you're absolutely lovely—because you absolutely are. and i promise that i'll be around to say "i told you so" and remind you that sometimes things don't work out only because there really are better things in store. lifelong friends are few, but i know that we're for real. 092008D2P5MPM1D1

o4. if there ever was someone who could pass as my twin, in every sense, it would be you. you understand me so completely in a way that no one else does, because we're two sides of the same coin—we are both fighters to the core. you've always been there for me, and you know i will always be there for you. if the concept of soul sisters did exist, i think you would be mine. also, you're a fabulous writer. MAKER OF MEMORIES

o5. wow, i'm sorry. we fought over the biggest thing, and i still don't know if i would have done it differently, but i'm sorry for the way it ended. i miss the simplicity we had before it all happened, because at one point in time we really were best friends. don't you think i ever forgot. you saw me through the worst; you know my story in a way no one else does. looking back on the past few years, all my best memories are filled with you. wherever you are, i hope you're having the time of your life. OUR HAPPY ENDING

o6. my dear, you are talented, intelligent, brilliant, hilarious, charming—and can absolutely do so much better. BEST INTENTIONS

o7. what is with us? i don't even know. no words can really capture who we are to each other. when we talk, we stumble and we trip over words because we can talk about everything and nothing—forever—and still feel like we haven't said it all, or said enough. i get bored easily, but you never bore me. you've changed me more than anyone else, ever. and after all the pain we put each other through, it sounds crazy, but i wouldn't change a thing. i hope we'll always be able to say hello. INDESCRIBABLE

o8. can i just be you? seriously. i don't know how you walk around being so perfect all the time, but i want to do it too! RED LIPSTICK

o9. i couldn't pick you out of a lineup. i wouldn't know it was you if you walked past me on the street. but i know what makes you laugh; i know your hopes and dreams, and i know that you're walking the line. just knowing that you're out there brightens my day sometimes. i love that we watch the same sky. i know that we didn't meet by chance, and i know that it's been forever since we last saw each other. but to me, you're more than a memory, and i can see it now. OFF BY HEART

1o. you're wonderful. you made things change; you taught me that i can do better. you taught me that i deserve better. you taught me that chivalry is alive. you do it right. i don't know what the future holds, but all the time i think how lucky i am to have you in my life; right here, right now. PUZZLE PIECES

“May I Have This Dance?”

a sestina

I.

It was the coldest night of all the year

For us to come and choose to dance

Snowflakes settle upon the lashes of my eyes

As I open the door to the grand (ball)room

Music and laughter greet me, feather-light

I know that this is where it all begin(s)

II.

Strangers, bold behind their masks, make the choice to dance

They spin across the crowded room

Drenched in dreams as the night begins

Lost in romance, forgetting the year

Intoxicating—; I could not miss the light

Emanating from the depths of their lovers' eyes

III.

So I take a moment, breathe it in, only to begin

To lose my breath as I meet your eyes

Staring me down 'cross the reams of light

The music stops. For the first time this year

I cannot move; I cannot speak—my heart, it starts to dance

As willing feet carry me across the room

IV.

The air is sweet; love permeates the room

Upon our shoulders, endless possibilities dance

A sensation so foreign; so strange; oh, the stories it will begin

I cannot resist the spark; the flame it will soon (a)light

This is what I have waited to feel all these year(s)

And I know that I am falling, lost in deep brown eyes

V.

We move together in the truest of dance(s)

My head spins as you dip me back; seeing the upside-down room

And I am alive for the first time with brightest eyes

The music slows, and I can feel the electricity begin

We seal the moment with a touch, searing like fireworks’ light

Winter's kiss is no longer the only one that I received this year

VI.

I read the yet unwritten stories dancing in your eyes

They criss-cross the Earth; go far beyond this room

As the clock strikes midnight to end the year

There is one more adventure that will now begin

I find myself breathless; captivated by the (star)light

We are forever changed by a single, fierce dance

VII.

The year comes to a close, yet our story now begins—

We will dance with the world as our (ball)room,

Guided by (star)light—and as for the music? It’s in your eyes

C10H12N2O

     “Gravitation cannot be held responsible for people falling in love. How on earth can you explain in terms of chemistry and physics so important a biological phenomenon as first love? Put your hand on a stove for a minute and it seems like an hour. Sit with that special girl for an hour and it seems like a minute. That's relativity.”

                                                                                   – Albert Einstein

     Have you ever spilled your guts to a perfect stranger? That’s chemistry.

     Have you ever been drawn to someone for inexplicable reasons—and it was nothing they could have said or done? That’s chemistry.

     Sometimes you meet someone and you just know. Sometimes you meet somebody and the pieces start to fall together in a way you never could have forseen. Sometimes you meet somebody and they see right through all your walls and mirrors and illusions that you put up to deflect others, and they read you like an open book. That’s chemistry.

     And like all chemistry, this chemistry has consequences—mostly in the form of reactions. As humans, we behave no differently than atoms at the lowest level—we are completely powerless against attraction beyond our control.

     Except this chemistry is unique because there are no laws that govern it. It moves freely; dances of its own accord; it is unbounded by the gravity and the science that defines worldly existence. It picks and chooses its time and place with no regard for the past; it is undefined—it is perhaps the greatest mystery of our own souls.

crazier things have happened

I think first years fall in love so easily because they are perfectly, uniquely set up to do so. Everyone (sort of) went off to university and fell in love (or something vaguely resembling it), and I think I can see why. They move to a new city where they barely know anyone, and they fall in love with nearly perfect strangers and big illusions because they need something to stabilize themselves. They're uniquely vulnerable, and they search and yearn for something to be attached to when everything else has changed. But maybe that's the most innocent kind of love of all; they want nothing more than love itself, which just so happens manifest itself in mystery and charm; wonder and stability; in first times and strangers who just so happen to be in the right place at the right time.

And I speak as if I'm detached, but I'm not. Not in the least. I might still be in the same city, but everything has changed. I am one of them, and that's how I know.

To each other, we are perfect strangers.
To each other, we are perfect.

The Haiku Series, Vol. 4

French Vanilla

Early morning fog

But don't you think I missed

The sparkle in your eyes

Majesty

Watching the sunset

Painted in the autumn leaves

We walk a little slower

This September

Never by chance

We are nearly perfect strangers

Awakening love

Insomnia For Lovers

Meet me at midnight

Underneath the winter moon

We'll chase the night into day

Happy Birthday

Waiting up all night

As the city lights dim

I blow the candles out

Dear Calculus,

Searching all the Earth

3.14159

You are my answer

Something About the Way You Look at Me

Untold stories in your eyes

Tell me that this will be

The last first kiss

LET NOT THE THINGS OF THIS WORLD EVER SWAY ME

     It's not about them. It's not about any of this.

     But God, it's about You and I.

     And I'm sorry that I ever let myself forget that, because wow, I've been so caught up in the world and all its useless drama. The affairs of man are worthless—they will fade into nothing soon enough, and none of them will matter when we're standing before You. But God, I know that Your affairs will last all eternity—which is a long time. And I want to spend it with You.

     So would you break my heart from the world? Would you break my heart from what breaks yours? Would you break me free of this hatred and evil that threatens me daily; would you take it all and replace it with love? Would you show me how to love like you have loved me? Because this is my struggle, but I know I don't have to face it alone.

     And I'm thinking about it and I'm realizing that I'm so unworthy—of Your love, of the blessings you pour out on me daily, of the salvation that you've given so freely. Each day is a battle. When I give in to hatred and anger with that which does not even warrant a minute of my time, that's when I fall. When I let myself get caught up in the world and when I slip and forget that it's always, only, ever all about You, that's when I fall. I'm just thankful that each time, You are there to catch me.

     Would you rid me of myself, of the world in which I don't even belong?

     Because I want to know You and meet you face to face. I want to sing with the angels and praise You for all eternity. So I don't care about anything of this—all I need is You. This is about You and I, forever.

     the cross before me, the world behind 

Just when I thought that I could be happy, everything went wrong.
But this time, I'm not falling for it.

"That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, that is when I'm strong."
- 2 Corinthians 12:10

So I'm going to choose to rejoice. I'm sick of misery and sadness. I'm choosing joy. Nobody deserves happiness; it's a gift. The best part is, it's a gift that we can choose to have or not. Joy is a choice. Happiness is a choice. I'm happy because I've got the creator of the Earth watching over me; what more could I ask for?

I'm choosing happiness because my heart sings for God.

"Is there a better bet than love?"

"Afraid to love beyond what I can lose when it comes to you."
- Five For Fighting, "Chances"

Never have truer words been said.

Light

After this, I know something needs to change.

I look at the world and how it so easily accepts what is evil, declaring evil things to be okay because it has become the norm. Then I look at God, and I am reminded how as Christians we are called to reject the world; to turn away from it and be set apart; to fight the good fight and stay away from evil. To not give in.

And I know it's not easy. The strong stumble. I stumble. I've been hypocritical and I've given into the things of this world on more than one occasion; ignoring the call of the one that has always been right there, waiting for me to see the light. And I realize now that I can't give into the world anymore. It took the darkest night for me to see that I cannot take a sunrise for granted.

The way I see it, if Jesus could sacrifice his life for me, I can sacrifice worldly desires. I realize now that there is no way that I can settle for anything less; I can't live like the world anymore.

"Therefore, I urge you, brothers and sisters, in view of God’s mercy, to offer your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and pleasing to God—this is your true and proper worship. ² Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will" - Romans 12:1-2

I can't pretend that it's my own strength or my own will that makes me righteous, though, because I know that I am not strong. I depend on the One who is my strength when I am weak; who has always been there to hold me up when I fall. "For when I am weak, then I am strong." - 2 Corinthians 12:10

And it's a humbling thing to realize that Christianity isn't about being proud of what you can do; it's about being strong enough to admit that we are weak and we need the help of someone greater than ourselves. It's about a change of heart. I'm not perfect; I'll never be perfect. But I know someone who is. 

And the way this is speaking to me right now is scaring me, but I'm no longer going to shut my eyes to it. If this is where I am meant to be, if I am meant to reach out and help, then it is God who is changing my heart and so He can use me as His instrument, to set me on fire and let me be a light in the darkest world.

This is for the one whose love transcends all.
And this is for you.

Let not the things of this world ever sway me.

Fixed Stars Do Not Exist

Fixed Stars Do Not Exist – a sestina

Helen Ngo

October 2011

I.

[We are] two stars in a galaxy

Drawing closer as we orbit each other again

Bound by the laws of time and space, ever so rational

Fixed as long as the great universe will stand

We are the epitome of science; exhibiting the unknown

Will we be stable forever? Perhaps it will all change tonight

II.

Light-years have separated us for millennia, but not tonight

Against the laws of cosmic tradition, we will take a stand

We cannot fight this wish anymore, catching fire, breaking rational(e)

The Milky Way itself will become undone, a changed galaxy

As celestial chaos ensues; they thought this would never happen again

All eyes are on you and me as we drop a match on the great unknown

III.

The zenith will draw an invisible line upon our hearts tonight

And we will dance upon the horizon at altitudes unknown

The people on Earth will watch our trajectory, trying to (under)stand

The mysteries hidden in the depths of a great galaxy

Men and women of science, of astronomy, of the rational

Will be amazed by Nature’s dazzling show again

IV.

And exactly what is it that captivates the galaxy?

It is the meeting of two polar opposites, an experiment unknown

The axis of the very universe will be transposed tonight

As two hearts collide in a “once in a million” fireworks show again

Nature itself will fight back with evidence of the rational

But it is too late; our light shines brighter, we will (with)stand

V.

So, welcome to this strange new galaxy

Home to my heart, nothing to you [yet] but the unknown

That will soon change; scientists always try to (under)stand

We are both pawns in the game of Science, but not tonight

Right now, this moment, Logic is eclipsed by wonder again

As you make me forget the reasons why—irrational

VI.

One day the world will look back upon this and they will (under)stand

They will say, “Remember those two, the stars that chased the day into night,

And then, in the face of danger, laughed at the unknown?”

And they will hope for such another brilliant show again

It is not often that one will dare to challenge the rational

But you and I, we are sparkling so bright that we can be seen in every galaxy

VII.                            

The very Sun is eclipsed by blinding radiance tonight, as we abandon the rational

At the precipice of the galaxy, a place I thought I’d never see again

As we stand with our hands clasped against the great unknown

A Challenge

The world does not understand this choice.

They trivialize it, and it is tempting to listen.

It would be easy to give in; it is an undeniable weakness.

No one ever said that it would be easy to answer to the call.

Thinking of the memories; wishing to take them back,

Trying to justify what never should have transpired.   

It isn’t worth it, no matter how it may seem in the moment;

Not when the result is waking up to feel regret.  

She is imitating fire on a stage commanded by the world, 

yet for an audience of one.

She is not a pretender, but the line is becoming blurred.

Alluring beauty draws her close under false pretenses,

But she knows that if she does not resist, she will only end up burned.

Perhaps it would be simpler to stay in this temporary home,

To ignore the one voice that is always there, waiting patiently.

But if she were to push it aside now,
what fate would that spell for the future?

If it is going to be done, it may as well be done right.

It’s just not negotiable.

It isn’t a choice that she can make.

It’s a test of character; one that has been thrown at her before.

However, this time she won’t fail.

Of Wishes and Weaknesses

     She wears her dreams like the jewelry they are; elegant, dramatic, captivating. They are subtle; the only weakness in her armor, the one easily missed. She neither shatters nor creates illusion, but instead allows the world to see her the way they wish.

     He walks in step with her, though she does not know it.

     He creates illusion. He builds grand castle walls with the vines cascading over the top; he creates a moat to surround his fortress. He has drawn the line here. The theory is that nothing ever gets too close, and nothing escapes from within... but as we all know, theories are often proven wrong, as he will learn soon enough.

     They are the ones that walk by moonlight, when the universe is asleep and the stars begin to fall. They seek the place where the fire and water meet, where dreams collide and all else fails to exist. These are the careful dreamers, the ones that single-mindedly search for the infinite, elusive possibilities of the world.

     So they will walk in two opposite directions by the guide of a natural satellite until they reach the place where the very first glimpse of dawn appears; until they find their way home. It is here that they will finally meet. These are the dreamers, those who see the dawn before the rest of the world. 

“A dreamer is one who can only find his way by moonlight, and his punishment is that he sees the dawn before the rest of the world.” – Oscar Wilde