for the first time in forever

                                                      "It's been so long since I have met you here; 

                                               since I have heard You speak and let You near..."

                                                                     - Starfield, "Alive in This Moment"

I can't name the moment in which everything changed. But driving home tonight, I realized that now I know the answer to the question that has been on my heart recently. 

In today's sermon and study we were asked to consider what risks God has been asking us to take in our lives; what changes we need to make that required taking that leap of faith.

This, tonight, was mine.

It has been a hell of a year. But now I know that despite all my doubts, You never left. And finally I am home, and I find that maybe home is not where I expect, but instead that I am only ever home in You. Now I know that You have brought me (us) here for all the right reasons; of this I am unmistakably certain.

So in this moment, I know that this is where I belong. 

LET NOT THE THINGS OF THIS WORLD EVER SWAY ME

     It's not about them. It's not about any of this.

     But God, it's about You and I.

     And I'm sorry that I ever let myself forget that, because wow, I've been so caught up in the world and all its useless drama. The affairs of man are worthless—they will fade into nothing soon enough, and none of them will matter when we're standing before You. But God, I know that Your affairs will last all eternity—which is a long time. And I want to spend it with You.

     So would you break my heart from the world? Would you break my heart from what breaks yours? Would you break me free of this hatred and evil that threatens me daily; would you take it all and replace it with love? Would you show me how to love like you have loved me? Because this is my struggle, but I know I don't have to face it alone.

     And I'm thinking about it and I'm realizing that I'm so unworthy—of Your love, of the blessings you pour out on me daily, of the salvation that you've given so freely. Each day is a battle. When I give in to hatred and anger with that which does not even warrant a minute of my time, that's when I fall. When I let myself get caught up in the world and when I slip and forget that it's always, only, ever all about You, that's when I fall. I'm just thankful that each time, You are there to catch me.

     Would you rid me of myself, of the world in which I don't even belong?

     Because I want to know You and meet you face to face. I want to sing with the angels and praise You for all eternity. So I don't care about anything of this—all I need is You. This is about You and I, forever.

     the cross before me, the world behind 

Perfect? What's that?

Take a step back from dreaming, let's evaluate a bit.

I don't believe that you'll ever find perfection on Earth.

I only ever believe that there's One who's perfect, and He can't be found on Earth. I could never ask for perfection from anyone else, because I know that I cannot find it in myself. We're flawed, imperfect humans beings and we can only create flawed, imperfect things--like imperfect love. But beauty is about finding perfection in the imperfect. It's not settling for less, it's simply settling for the best that you're ever going to find. And isn't that enough?

Of course, that's no excuse to not strive for the best--but one has to realize that when they have something as good as it is going to get, they shouldn't drop it for some dream that doesn't exist on Earth. To find perfect, you're going to have to look outside of humanity.

We're not perfect; we never will be, and it's awfully arrogant for anyone to believe that they could ask impossible standards of others that they themselves could never meet.

There's no such thing as the "impossible", because everything is possible through Him. But that doesn't mean that it will happen.

More Than This

I have faith that there is more than this,

Because I cannot believe that this is all that exists.

I set my heart on something bigger than this world

Because "I cannot believe that God would play dice with the universe" (Einstein).

Look at the placement of the stars in the sky;

The way the sun rises to greet us each morning without fail.

Science itself proves the complexities of the universe;

The intricacies of the human body are no fluke.

How could anyone honestly believe that this all happened by chance;

Unintentional; purposeless; accidental; aimless luck?

I do not believe in coincidence.

But I believe in the one who designed this world;

Who gave us the gift of living in the world he arranged.

Light

After this, I know something needs to change.

I look at the world and how it so easily accepts what is evil, declaring evil things to be okay because it has become the norm. Then I look at God, and I am reminded how as Christians we are called to reject the world; to turn away from it and be set apart; to fight the good fight and stay away from evil. To not give in.

And I know it's not easy. The strong stumble. I stumble. I've been hypocritical and I've given into the things of this world on more than one occasion; ignoring the call of the one that has always been right there, waiting for me to see the light. And I realize now that I can't give into the world anymore. It took the darkest night for me to see that I cannot take a sunrise for granted.

The way I see it, if Jesus could sacrifice his life for me, I can sacrifice worldly desires. I realize now that there is no way that I can settle for anything less; I can't live like the world anymore.

"Therefore, I urge you, brothers and sisters, in view of God’s mercy, to offer your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and pleasing to God—this is your true and proper worship. ² Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will" - Romans 12:1-2

I can't pretend that it's my own strength or my own will that makes me righteous, though, because I know that I am not strong. I depend on the One who is my strength when I am weak; who has always been there to hold me up when I fall. "For when I am weak, then I am strong." - 2 Corinthians 12:10

And it's a humbling thing to realize that Christianity isn't about being proud of what you can do; it's about being strong enough to admit that we are weak and we need the help of someone greater than ourselves. It's about a change of heart. I'm not perfect; I'll never be perfect. But I know someone who is. 

And the way this is speaking to me right now is scaring me, but I'm no longer going to shut my eyes to it. If this is where I am meant to be, if I am meant to reach out and help, then it is God who is changing my heart and so He can use me as His instrument, to set me on fire and let me be a light in the darkest world.

This is for the one whose love transcends all.
And this is for you.

Let not the things of this world ever sway me.

A Challenge

The world does not understand this choice.

They trivialize it, and it is tempting to listen.

It would be easy to give in; it is an undeniable weakness.

No one ever said that it would be easy to answer to the call.

Thinking of the memories; wishing to take them back,

Trying to justify what never should have transpired.   

It isn’t worth it, no matter how it may seem in the moment;

Not when the result is waking up to feel regret.  

She is imitating fire on a stage commanded by the world, 

yet for an audience of one.

She is not a pretender, but the line is becoming blurred.

Alluring beauty draws her close under false pretenses,

But she knows that if she does not resist, she will only end up burned.

Perhaps it would be simpler to stay in this temporary home,

To ignore the one voice that is always there, waiting patiently.

But if she were to push it aside now,
what fate would that spell for the future?

If it is going to be done, it may as well be done right.

It’s just not negotiable.

It isn’t a choice that she can make.

It’s a test of character; one that has been thrown at her before.

However, this time she won’t fail.