Waiting

It's quite curious; this fragile thing we share.

I stare at the city lights twinkling outside my window and wonder where you are tonight. I wonder if you ever look out at the world and wonder about me in the same way. Sometimes I have to blink and shake my head, reminding myself that you are real and walking the same streets, day by day.

You sent those first words to me on nothing more than a wild hope; without expectations. Little did you know how they would change my world. I don't think that either of us could have imagined how this would play out. I watched a few short lines slowly transform into letters filled with our hopes and dreams, and it is ever so strange how you have gotten to know me through these words in a way that would be impossible for anyone else.

Two souls could easily sit side by side, in silence, and spend hours together without listening to each other, but our chosen choice of communication forces us to listen. The time we spend together is precious in its fleeting nature. We share our lives with each other in the most curious way, and we walk with each other, parallel and perpendicular at the same time.

You could have never known, but words are my favourite way of expression. And now, with you, even more so than ever before.

So I will send these words on a wish into the great wide world, and hope that they find you, safe and sound.

i'd do the stars with you anytime ♥

o1. i'm not usually this bold. i find it curious how one glance between us can ask so many questions. who are you and what's your story? and what is it about you that makes me want to know? and i do want to know. i know what i saw; i know that you did a double take, and i know that this is definitely not just in my head; but i can't get you out of my head. i don't believe in chance. ELECTRIC EYES

o2. sweetheart: i am nobody's fool, and you are no exception. RIEMANN

o3. we've only known each other for a few months, but it feels like you've been here forever already. everything with you is so easy. first year would have been completely different if i hadn't met you. i'm totally myself when i'm with you. we know never to take each other too seriously, but you know exactly when to be serious. everything between us came so naturally; we are like-minded souls. when i am frustrated and filled with doubt about this path, you are the one i turn to, because you understand. mathematics or chemistry? MIDNIGHTS + MORNING COFFEE

o4. you're the best. i can't believe you remembered. hearing from you makes my week in a way that no one else can. we are merely ideas; words in black and white and infinite possiblities, but that's alright—words are my favourite way of expression anyway. i always wonder if we've spoken and never known it; if we've locked eyes and never understood the truths. watch that sky and think of me. someday, my dear. THE GREATEST STORY EVER TOLD

o5. sometimes i hate you. sometimes you drive me crazy with the things you say without thinking. sometimes you just make me so angry that i can't even speak. but still—when it really comes down to it, all i want is for you to find the happiness that you're searching for. i would do anything to help you on your way. ANALYZE

o6. you can do better than this. you're going to be wonderful to some girl someday. stop being so harsh on yourself. stop feeling sorry for yourself; you've got every reason to keep your chin up. i have said these things to you over and over again, and i hope that one day you will believe them, because i believe in you. i wish you could see yourself the way i see you. GOOD TO YOU

o7. you. you, with the quick wit and sense of humor and the incredible patience. you, with the big dreams and the accidentally inspirational spirit. you: my mentor, friend, teacher. thank you. throughout all the years, i could not have asked for more. you never truly realize how much you pick up from someone after being forced to spend a few hours next to them every week, but i've learned a lot from you; more than you will ever know. i admire your passion and your ability to go out there and do everything, and do it well. you are going to be great someday. i miss you already. THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU

o8. you are the best storyteller. we can talk about anything. we met in the most unexpected way, yet here we are, years later, still facing the world together. we're the kind of friends that can go for months without seeing each other at a time, but we pick up exactly where we left off. everything could change, but our friendship never would. i know you'll always be around, and you can count on me. i always know that i'll see you soon. TIGERS

o9. nobody amuses me like you do. i don't even care what anyone says: you are wonderful. underneath all that initial pricklyness and questionable first impressions and the fact that you occasionally make me want to slap you, you are amazing. you are hilarious and talented and as much as you try to hide it, i know you have a heart of gold. don't ever change. YOUR BIGGEST FAN

1o. i am so glad that we're back on speaking terms. i'm sorry, i'm sorry, i'm sorry. i never forgot all the laughter and tears and long nights we shared and the incredible thanks i still owe to you. you always make me laugh, and i'm so glad that despite everything, we are able to forgive and rebuild this friendship. as it turns out, the laughter between us still hasn't changed. here's to hoping that it never will. MOUNTAINS STANDING

tonight i'm going to dance for all that we've been through ♥

o1. i miss the way you drive me crazy. i miss the way you play devil's advocate like nobody's business. i miss the way that we argued over the deep, philosophical issues, but also the way that we argued over utter nonsense, and the way you made me laugh. you always kept me on my toes. i'm also intensely curious as to where you'll be in ten years. i'll see you soon. SCIENCE AND AUTOCORRECT AND FRIENDSHIP

o2. i thought i had it all figured out, but then you walked in and everything changed. suddenly i don't know anything anymore. all i know is that i want to know you better. PERFECT STRANGERS

o3. where would i be without you? you've been there literally since day two, and we've seen the craziest things happen together. someday, someone's going to realize that you're absolutely lovely—because you absolutely are. and i promise that i'll be around to say "i told you so" and remind you that sometimes things don't work out only because there really are better things in store. lifelong friends are few, but i know that we're for real. 092008D2P5MPM1D1

o4. if there ever was someone who could pass as my twin, in every sense, it would be you. you understand me so completely in a way that no one else does, because we're two sides of the same coin—we are both fighters to the core. you've always been there for me, and you know i will always be there for you. if the concept of soul sisters did exist, i think you would be mine. also, you're a fabulous writer. MAKER OF MEMORIES

o5. wow, i'm sorry. we fought over the biggest thing, and i still don't know if i would have done it differently, but i'm sorry for the way it ended. i miss the simplicity we had before it all happened, because at one point in time we really were best friends. don't you think i ever forgot. you saw me through the worst; you know my story in a way no one else does. looking back on the past few years, all my best memories are filled with you. wherever you are, i hope you're having the time of your life. OUR HAPPY ENDING

o6. my dear, you are talented, intelligent, brilliant, hilarious, charming—and can absolutely do so much better. BEST INTENTIONS

o7. what is with us? i don't even know. no words can really capture who we are to each other. when we talk, we stumble and we trip over words because we can talk about everything and nothing—forever—and still feel like we haven't said it all, or said enough. i get bored easily, but you never bore me. you've changed me more than anyone else, ever. and after all the pain we put each other through, it sounds crazy, but i wouldn't change a thing. i hope we'll always be able to say hello. INDESCRIBABLE

o8. can i just be you? seriously. i don't know how you walk around being so perfect all the time, but i want to do it too! RED LIPSTICK

o9. i couldn't pick you out of a lineup. i wouldn't know it was you if you walked past me on the street. but i know what makes you laugh; i know your hopes and dreams, and i know that you're walking the line. just knowing that you're out there brightens my day sometimes. i love that we watch the same sky. i know that we didn't meet by chance, and i know that it's been forever since we last saw each other. but to me, you're more than a memory, and i can see it now. OFF BY HEART

1o. you're wonderful. you made things change; you taught me that i can do better. you taught me that i deserve better. you taught me that chivalry is alive. you do it right. i don't know what the future holds, but all the time i think how lucky i am to have you in my life; right here, right now. PUZZLE PIECES

Cross the Line

     Before you walked into my life, the moments all blurred together. Even now, after you, they are insignificant; only snatches of memory that surface and dissolve again within seconds. In my mind's eye it is like looking at images of my younger self through frosted glass; the details are unclear and the memories are faded along the edges, but the time and place are always familiar. I look back upon them and I wonder how you did that; I wonder how you managed to affect the parts of my mind that were written before you even existed in my life. But then again, you changed me in a lot of other ways that I would never have expected either, so perhaps I should not be surprised. You taught me what it means to change.

     I have always known that there were lines. I lived inside them. They were my comfort; they made me secure knowing that I was walking in the footsteps of someone who had been there before me. I would face the same obstacles and boundaries as they did, but I would never encounter something that they had not. My life was predictable; secure. I had control, and I had not let you in, perhaps I would not have lost it. But I did, indeed, let you in, and from the moment I did so, you took my hand and danced me right across those lines. It makes me smile to think about how I never even missed them. I barely even noticed until I remembered to turn around and check, and by then they were so far behind me that I could hardly even see them anymore. You taught me to be fearless.

     However, it was not having you in my life that changed me the most. I remember the moment that I knew I needed to leave. It scared me to know that I would be walking away from everything that I had ever known. In just a few short years, you permeated every part of my life, my heart and my mind with your simple friendship. You somehow managed to do the one thing that no one else had ever managed to do: teach me to trust someone else with everything. You drenched me in your essence, spinning me around until I could not breathe, until I was looking at the entire world from the sky and seeing the world upside down, knowing that it was more right than anything else I had ever seen. I did not know how I could ever find my way in the world without you guiding me, and I do not know how I found the courage to break away from you, but I do remember taking a deep breath and putting everything you had taught me into practice: change; recklessness; fearlessness; surrendering my comfort, and reaching for the unknown.

     Which brings me to where I am now. I am worlds away from you, but I know that I am exactly where I am supposed to be. And for the first time in my life, I am able to say that I am certain that I was right about something. After you, the moments have not gone back to blurring together. They are clear and sharp, with a new sense of fragility. It is like looking at the images through perfect glass. I found my own fearlessness, my own recklessness and my own strength in the moment that I walked away from you. “I'm leaving,” I told you. But I look at the memory through clear eyes now, and maybe I was not really leaving at all. Maybe, just maybe, I was coming home.