C10H12N2O

     “Gravitation cannot be held responsible for people falling in love. How on earth can you explain in terms of chemistry and physics so important a biological phenomenon as first love? Put your hand on a stove for a minute and it seems like an hour. Sit with that special girl for an hour and it seems like a minute. That's relativity.”

                                                                                   – Albert Einstein

     Have you ever spilled your guts to a perfect stranger? That’s chemistry.

     Have you ever been drawn to someone for inexplicable reasons—and it was nothing they could have said or done? That’s chemistry.

     Sometimes you meet someone and you just know. Sometimes you meet somebody and the pieces start to fall together in a way you never could have forseen. Sometimes you meet somebody and they see right through all your walls and mirrors and illusions that you put up to deflect others, and they read you like an open book. That’s chemistry.

     And like all chemistry, this chemistry has consequences—mostly in the form of reactions. As humans, we behave no differently than atoms at the lowest level—we are completely powerless against attraction beyond our control.

     Except this chemistry is unique because there are no laws that govern it. It moves freely; dances of its own accord; it is unbounded by the gravity and the science that defines worldly existence. It picks and chooses its time and place with no regard for the past; it is undefined—it is perhaps the greatest mystery of our own souls.

crazier things have happened

I think first years fall in love so easily because they are perfectly, uniquely set up to do so. Everyone (sort of) went off to university and fell in love (or something vaguely resembling it), and I think I can see why. They move to a new city where they barely know anyone, and they fall in love with nearly perfect strangers and big illusions because they need something to stabilize themselves. They're uniquely vulnerable, and they search and yearn for something to be attached to when everything else has changed. But maybe that's the most innocent kind of love of all; they want nothing more than love itself, which just so happens manifest itself in mystery and charm; wonder and stability; in first times and strangers who just so happen to be in the right place at the right time.

And I speak as if I'm detached, but I'm not. Not in the least. I might still be in the same city, but everything has changed. I am one of them, and that's how I know.

To each other, we are perfect strangers.
To each other, we are perfect.

The Haiku Series, Vol. 4

French Vanilla

Early morning fog

But don't you think I missed

The sparkle in your eyes

Majesty

Watching the sunset

Painted in the autumn leaves

We walk a little slower

This September

Never by chance

We are nearly perfect strangers

Awakening love

Insomnia For Lovers

Meet me at midnight

Underneath the winter moon

We'll chase the night into day

Happy Birthday

Waiting up all night

As the city lights dim

I blow the candles out

Dear Calculus,

Searching all the Earth

3.14159

You are my answer

Something About the Way You Look at Me

Untold stories in your eyes

Tell me that this will be

The last first kiss

212

Crowded room, straightest stare

If only I could know

Stillest silence, loudest voice

Then you say hello

Keep my distance, say no words

Let my smile speak

I am hoping, you’re aware

One moment on repeat

Aligned chaos, happenstance

Makes me turn around

The world surrounds us, blurry-edged

This is what I’ve found

What-could-happens, what-might-be

This is just the start

Light the fire, pave the way

We will play the part

Great adventure, timeless dance 

We cannot resist

Unwritten story, lifetime tale

It all starts with this

The Haiku Series, Vol. 3

Spellbound

Words in black and white

Take me back eleven years

Right back to your side

Once

Strangers at a bus stop

A random act of kindness

We are forever changed

First Sight

Alone in a crowd

Of 30,000 people

He could be the one

Female Intuition

Chaotic inspiration

Reveals the best-kept secret

Sometimes you just know

Nuit Blanche

City streets alight

Radiant with mystery

Of the darkest hour

LET NOT THE THINGS OF THIS WORLD EVER SWAY ME

     It's not about them. It's not about any of this.

     But God, it's about You and I.

     And I'm sorry that I ever let myself forget that, because wow, I've been so caught up in the world and all its useless drama. The affairs of man are worthless—they will fade into nothing soon enough, and none of them will matter when we're standing before You. But God, I know that Your affairs will last all eternity—which is a long time. And I want to spend it with You.

     So would you break my heart from the world? Would you break my heart from what breaks yours? Would you break me free of this hatred and evil that threatens me daily; would you take it all and replace it with love? Would you show me how to love like you have loved me? Because this is my struggle, but I know I don't have to face it alone.

     And I'm thinking about it and I'm realizing that I'm so unworthy—of Your love, of the blessings you pour out on me daily, of the salvation that you've given so freely. Each day is a battle. When I give in to hatred and anger with that which does not even warrant a minute of my time, that's when I fall. When I let myself get caught up in the world and when I slip and forget that it's always, only, ever all about You, that's when I fall. I'm just thankful that each time, You are there to catch me.

     Would you rid me of myself, of the world in which I don't even belong?

     Because I want to know You and meet you face to face. I want to sing with the angels and praise You for all eternity. So I don't care about anything of this—all I need is You. This is about You and I, forever.

     the cross before me, the world behind 

The Haiku Series, Vol. 2

May I Have This Dance?

The sky opens up

And the rain falls upon us

The soundtrack to our love

A Cinderella Story

The clock chimes midnight

I left it all behind

But the dance does not end

Across the Million Miles

Subsisting on caffeine

I’ve been asleep at the wheel

For the longest time

California

Sleepy town, listen

To the angel songs, and watch

The city lights dance

Rainfall

Twirl me around

In the finest of dresses

As the sky symphony sings

Instant Memories

Instant Memories – international style

“Where did my fifth pen go?” I ask

I like to do my math homework in pen

Though my teacher calls it an atrocity

Red, blue, black

On a grid of sky blue—

No, this is not going to work.

Where did my fifth pen go?

Sitting here in Writer’s Craft

Listening to Eric recite from

“Shit My Students Write”

Looking for inspiration

In the pages of

Wikipedia

because it is the biggest

collection of

mostly

accurate

information

This is our last chance

To do utter nonsense

Before we must sit in lecture halls

And read our textbooks

Under the glow of

Fluorescent lights

That hurt my eyes

I will not miss high school

But I’ll miss hearing about

How the environment

Is almost everywhere you look

And other such nonsense

Sitting here in Writer’s Craft

(possible poem goes here)

Now,

Where did my fifth pen go?

experimentation

lyrical collage
as in, most of these words aren't mine

close your eyes, escape this town for a while
it just might be a long shot, you're marching with your eyes shut
will we always say we tried? (because i can't, and for that i'm sorry)
first day of the rest of our lives, I MISS YOU ALREADY

we had our place in time, this is now that we spend
because we belong together like the moon and stars and midnight
and i would walk a thousand miles, [just so you know]
I'M ONLY ME WHEN I'M WITH YOU (1o.)

all those fairytales are full of it
because i'm in the business of misery
and she's as pure as New York snow
look me in the eyes and tell me that you're happy now

we're like fire and rain
but i'll always be the greatest fan of your life
we proved that in 2123 hours, we blended the universe
and we all want to know how it ends

are you holding back, like the way i do?
mm, i can't help myself
[sorry] is never there when you need it
you can't explain a love like ours

with my back to the door
i'll travel those roads paved in loneliness
but years from now, the day will finally come
waken me up to dreaming, reality in your eyes

i miss the sound of your voice

The Haiku Series, Vol. 1

Venus Tonight

Dear Earth, do not rotate

Stay awhile and watch

The battle in the night sky

Journal

The blank lines are soothing

Teeming with infinite possibility

Until I destroy them with my pen

Thou Shalt Not Pass

With a careless stroke

The dotted line has been drawn

Right around my heart

11:11

The cosmos align

I send my wish on the wind

And hope it finds you

Take Me Back to December

Swirls of snowflakes

Catching on my eyelashes

Winter’s first gift

Juliet

A secret smile

Traded across a crowded room

Speaks a million volumes

Glass

You speak

With a childish wonder

Not child-like, mind you

Childish

Dreams

Shatter

A world of glass

A bubble of existence

G o n e

In a moment of

Clarity

Never understand what something is

Until you realize what it is not

Your definition

Does not define 

the tr u t h

But rather

It defines

The illusions of youth

Youthful clarity

And youthful illusions

Contradict, contrast

Blend themselves to get her

Until you cannot untangle

O n e

from

the

other

But when the illusions s h   a t t er

(and they always do,)

You will see

So clearly

The cracks

In

The

G l a  s           s

that summer will always belong to you

This has been a long time coming.

This time last year. Who knew that music would take me back there so easily? I heard that song, and it, combined with these late summer nights, has reminded me just why it all happened in the first place. But this time, I'm not bitter over it.

Because yes, I remember those nights. I remember that one night, and suddenly those memories feel like they were yesterday.  

Every time I listen to Tonight by FM Static, I still want to cry; just like the first time I heard it.

Love Me Like That. This Moment. Prove You Wrong. By Your Side. Crush. Good to You. Because you were so good to me, even though I didn't deserve it.

It was only a summer; fleeting moments; snippets of memory that resurface here and there when that song comes on. But I'm only realizing now that it wasn't a mistake; it was a lesson learned. And I'm just beginning to realize now that I don't regret it. Not anymore. I just might cherish it.

We're exactly where we're supposed to be. But don't think that I forgot about you, because I never will, even though at one point I tried to. And I'm sure you did the same.

I just wanted to say thank you for the memories. 

And finally, finally, finally: I wanted to tell you that I'm sorry.

Perfect? What's that?

Take a step back from dreaming, let's evaluate a bit.

I don't believe that you'll ever find perfection on Earth.

I only ever believe that there's One who's perfect, and He can't be found on Earth. I could never ask for perfection from anyone else, because I know that I cannot find it in myself. We're flawed, imperfect humans beings and we can only create flawed, imperfect things--like imperfect love. But beauty is about finding perfection in the imperfect. It's not settling for less, it's simply settling for the best that you're ever going to find. And isn't that enough?

Of course, that's no excuse to not strive for the best--but one has to realize that when they have something as good as it is going to get, they shouldn't drop it for some dream that doesn't exist on Earth. To find perfect, you're going to have to look outside of humanity.

We're not perfect; we never will be, and it's awfully arrogant for anyone to believe that they could ask impossible standards of others that they themselves could never meet.

There's no such thing as the "impossible", because everything is possible through Him. But that doesn't mean that it will happen.

Just when I thought that I could be happy, everything went wrong.
But this time, I'm not falling for it.

"That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, that is when I'm strong."
- 2 Corinthians 12:10

So I'm going to choose to rejoice. I'm sick of misery and sadness. I'm choosing joy. Nobody deserves happiness; it's a gift. The best part is, it's a gift that we can choose to have or not. Joy is a choice. Happiness is a choice. I'm happy because I've got the creator of the Earth watching over me; what more could I ask for?

I'm choosing happiness because my heart sings for God.

"Is there a better bet than love?"

"Afraid to love beyond what I can lose when it comes to you."
- Five For Fighting, "Chances"

Never have truer words been said.

A Pledge of Allegiance

My kitchen will have a waffle iron.

Oh, sure, there are other things I also have my eye on—

A toaster, a stand mixer, maybe even a refrigerator!

But it will most certainly have a waffle iron.

The waffle is wonderful, ever so superior

To the undesirable pancake,

A creation so inferior

So if you like pancakes, you’re a stupidhead, for goodness’ sake!

My pet kiwibird likes waffles,

Because they’re a little less awful

Than the stupid old pancake,

A food I refuse to make.

Besides, waffles have texture

And what is life without texture?

Because pancakes are boring,

Like a university lecture.

Simple-minded people prefer the simple-minded pancake,

Because they’re incapable—they probably use Shake ‘n’ Bake!

People with waffle irons are supremely unique,

For it is a journey of creativity that they seek.

So to the waffle I pledge my everlasting loyalty,

I will not be swayed! I will retain my dignity.

People will cry and argue otherwise—but not I.

I will stand by the dependable waffle until the end of time.

Subsisting on Caffeine

Subsisting on caffeine
Unable to fall asleep
Because chances are
My mind will be busy
With the things I tell myself
Not to worry about

I know it's not healthy
But sleep isn't a priority
As the minutes tick by
I am always preoccupied
With dreams and wishes and things that gleam
Perhaps there is more to this sorrowful scene

Write a sestina, sing a song
Where will that get me?
My math homework is wrong
Too many vectors, I can't deal
With the consequences
My fate they will seal

So I will sit here in silence
As the screen stares back, blank
I may be a disciple of science
But I don't understand chemistry
I am drowning in the memory of you and me
So tomorrow morning,
I will subsist on caffeine

ALS

     This was 4th place winning entry for the ALS Ontario Make It Write! Contest 2011.

     Dear Mama,

     It is just past midnight as I write this, but I am too excited to sleep. Tomorrow I am getting married to the love of my life. I am sitting on the balcony of an unfamiliar hotel, but the city lights below surround me and remind me that I am not alone. In the quiet of the evening I can feel the summer breeze that you loved so; it ruffles my hair and tickles my feet like you used to. Even the moon is full tonight, holding so much promise for tomorrow. I wonder if you are watching it like I am. I hope that we are looking at the same sky tonight.

     You would approve of my choice, I am certain. Christopher is everything that I could ask for, and everything that you could ever wish for me to find. He is a member of the international Red Cross, and soon enough we will be traveling across the globe to New Zealand, the place which I will learn to call home. I thought that I would always call Canada my home. Did you ever imagine me moving away when I grew up? I never thought that I would ever be so far away from you and Daddy, but here I am, preparing to start a chapter in my life that will take me away from everything that I have ever known. I am scared, but also excited, because there is so much to be done in the future. There is so much possibility. I will be working in a world-renowned laboratory dedicated to finding a cure for amyotrophic lateral sclerosis, while Christopher will be saving lives with the Red Cross. He is so busy, but somehow he always finds time for me. He has a fierce dedication towards everything he does, and his love for me is no exception. He keeps his promises and he amazes me everyday. You would adore him. He is gentle, handsome, talented, caring, and above all, he is so good to me. His love challenges me to be a better person. You would be pleased, Mama.

     I had always imagined you planning these moments with me, though. It was so unfair the way the disease crept up on us and stole you away from us so soon. Daddy's faith was shaken for so long without you, and I worried about him so much in the months after you left. He still loves you so, so much, as do I. You are alive in us, Mama. Life may not be fair, but I remember how you taught us that we should never let that stop us from living. I remember when you were first diagnosed. I was sixteen years old that year; not a child, but not an adult either. I never thought that I would be able to live on without you, but I know now that you taught me how to be strong; how to have faith. Even when you were scared and in pain, in those horrible moments when Daddy or I broke down when we were supposed to be strong for you, you put on a brave face for us. You were our strength when we could not find it in ourselves. You are the bravest, most fearless person that I have ever known, still to this day. That was the year that I made a promise to myself to become a research scientist so I could continue to fight this battle for you even after you were no longer able to, and now I will finally have the chance. I promise that I will never give it anything less than my best, Mama; you deserve only my best. I will not stop searching until I find a cure.

     I know that you are watching over me, and I hope that you are proud of what you find in me; proud of who I am becoming. You only ever wanted what is best for me, and while I did not understand that fully as a child, I know it now. Please do not worry about me, because I have found everything that you could have ever wanted me to find. As I walk down the aisle tomorrow with Daddy on the most beautiful day of my life, I hope that you will be there by my side as well. When I one day have a daughter of my own, I pray that your spirit will guide her as well, and that I can teach her to love and have faith just like you taught me. This is my greatest wish.

     Every step that has brought me to where I am today is because of your love. I owe it all to you. Thank you, Mama.

     All my love,

     Annabelle

More Than This

I have faith that there is more than this,

Because I cannot believe that this is all that exists.

I set my heart on something bigger than this world

Because "I cannot believe that God would play dice with the universe" (Einstein).

Look at the placement of the stars in the sky;

The way the sun rises to greet us each morning without fail.

Science itself proves the complexities of the universe;

The intricacies of the human body are no fluke.

How could anyone honestly believe that this all happened by chance;

Unintentional; purposeless; accidental; aimless luck?

I do not believe in coincidence.

But I believe in the one who designed this world;

Who gave us the gift of living in the world he arranged.

High School, Not Your Highness

     I like playing dress-up as much as the next female does. I get it. Every girl wants to wear a gorgeous dress and feel like a princess, and I have nothing against that. However, I have a problem with creating a huge consumer-driven event and then using it as a venue to fulfill said dream.

     The main problem I have with prom is the conspicuous consumption taking place, and the overall self-centered attitude that it embodies. You would think that teenagers bordering on adulthood would be able to think about a world that is greater than themselves, but prom seems to defy this illusion. Prom is, in fact, the highest symbol of teenage egocentric self-absorption.

     Prom is self-indulgent and narcissistic on all levels. Though it may seem like a small-scale issue, consider the math.

     1. The average prom dress costs $200-300 (give or take a couple hundred dollars). Let’s say the average graduating class has 100 females, and each of them buys a dress for the occasion. $200 x 100 = $20,000

     2. They must then pay for shoes, hair, nails, corsage/boutonniere, limousine rental, etc. Let’s average this at $50. $50 x 100 = $5,000

     3. The average male will rent a tuxedo/buy a shirt/pants/whatever for prom. Let’s go with an average cost of $100 (thanks, Google!). Assuming that there are 100 males in a graduating class, $100 x 100 = 10,000

     4. The average cost of a prom ticket is around $60. Let us say that the average graduating class consists of 200 students. $60 x 200 = $12,000

     Now, let us add up all these expenses.
     20,000 + 5,000 + 10,000 + 12,000 = $47,000

     This is more than a lot of people will make in a year. It is more money than some people will see in an entire lifetime, and a few overpriviledged students from one high school will use it to dance, buy fancy dresses that all look alike, and drink alcohol. Multiply this by some 10 high schools in London, and the figure comes to almost half a million. Half a million dollars is going to high school proms—the sheer insanity is staggering, is it not?

     It’s hypocritical and ironic that we will often fundraise for cancer research and starving children in Africa, yet we think nothing of spending $300 on a frilly dress that we’ll wear likely once. An alpaca costs approximately $350 (World Vision), and it can help a village in Africa (How, you ask? I don’t know. I will admit that I didn’t research that far. But my point is obvious). The irony is awesome. I’m not saying that I’m a perfect saint of any sort; I’m not. But if I were required to divert $47,000 to a high school prom or people in a third-world country in need, I think I would go for the third-world country, simply because it makes any sense at all.

     And another matter that seriously irks me. If a bunch of overprivileged high school kids want to have a party with fancy clothes, they should pay for it out of their own pockets, not “fundraise” for it from the community. It does not make sense that wealthy kids would take to the community and “fundraise”, diverting funds that could be better used elsewhere (ex. to help with the epidemic that is world hunger). Hey, if part of the money that went to prom could go to charity, I might even go along with it. But as it stands right now, prom is about as iniquitious as it gets.

     We’re high school students, not royalty. This entire generation takes themselves way too seriously (and I will admit that I have been guilty of the same crime at times). There will be plenty of other chances to dress up—weddings, charity balls (where part of the proceeds actually go to charity; what a foreign notion), etc. Prom is really unnecessary; teenagers do not need a ridiculously expensive night to fulfill their dreams of pretense and gross extravagance. Aren’t drunken houseparties more conventional anyway? It is rather ironic that proms have the intention of being elegant and sophisticated, yet in reality they truly are anything but.

     And before anyone pulls the “you’re just bitter since can’t get a date” line, there’s a really great guy in my life that I could theoretically drag to prom, but I will not torture him like that.

     I know that there are probably exceptions to all my horrible sweeping generalizations, because I’m sure that not all of the people in my life have fallen victim to this deluded fantasy. I’m going to go to preprom with my friends (if they don’t hate me after reading this. Hey guys, I like you, I promise. It’s nothing personal here!) to take pretty photos and whatnot, because the photography opportunity has to be the only upside to this entire mess. But no, I’m not going to pay a ridiculous sum of money for prom.

     Besides, doesn’t your conscience have something against going to a giant party funded by extortion from the community and illegal underage drinking parties? If it doesn’t, you have bigger problems.

     Of course, I also kind of have a problem with reflexive contrarianism. But that’s for another time.

Light

After this, I know something needs to change.

I look at the world and how it so easily accepts what is evil, declaring evil things to be okay because it has become the norm. Then I look at God, and I am reminded how as Christians we are called to reject the world; to turn away from it and be set apart; to fight the good fight and stay away from evil. To not give in.

And I know it's not easy. The strong stumble. I stumble. I've been hypocritical and I've given into the things of this world on more than one occasion; ignoring the call of the one that has always been right there, waiting for me to see the light. And I realize now that I can't give into the world anymore. It took the darkest night for me to see that I cannot take a sunrise for granted.

The way I see it, if Jesus could sacrifice his life for me, I can sacrifice worldly desires. I realize now that there is no way that I can settle for anything less; I can't live like the world anymore.

"Therefore, I urge you, brothers and sisters, in view of God’s mercy, to offer your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and pleasing to God—this is your true and proper worship. ² Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will" - Romans 12:1-2

I can't pretend that it's my own strength or my own will that makes me righteous, though, because I know that I am not strong. I depend on the One who is my strength when I am weak; who has always been there to hold me up when I fall. "For when I am weak, then I am strong." - 2 Corinthians 12:10

And it's a humbling thing to realize that Christianity isn't about being proud of what you can do; it's about being strong enough to admit that we are weak and we need the help of someone greater than ourselves. It's about a change of heart. I'm not perfect; I'll never be perfect. But I know someone who is. 

And the way this is speaking to me right now is scaring me, but I'm no longer going to shut my eyes to it. If this is where I am meant to be, if I am meant to reach out and help, then it is God who is changing my heart and so He can use me as His instrument, to set me on fire and let me be a light in the darkest world.

This is for the one whose love transcends all.
And this is for you.

Let not the things of this world ever sway me.