A Pledge of Allegiance

My kitchen will have a waffle iron.

Oh, sure, there are other things I also have my eye on—

A toaster, a stand mixer, maybe even a refrigerator!

But it will most certainly have a waffle iron.

The waffle is wonderful, ever so superior

To the undesirable pancake,

A creation so inferior

So if you like pancakes, you’re a stupidhead, for goodness’ sake!

My pet kiwibird likes waffles,

Because they’re a little less awful

Than the stupid old pancake,

A food I refuse to make.

Besides, waffles have texture

And what is life without texture?

Because pancakes are boring,

Like a university lecture.

Simple-minded people prefer the simple-minded pancake,

Because they’re incapable—they probably use Shake ‘n’ Bake!

People with waffle irons are supremely unique,

For it is a journey of creativity that they seek.

So to the waffle I pledge my everlasting loyalty,

I will not be swayed! I will retain my dignity.

People will cry and argue otherwise—but not I.

I will stand by the dependable waffle until the end of time.