First Year Revelations

A collection of lessons I've learned from first year. A lot of conjecture on various university experiences, including but not limited to: mathematics, coffee, smiles, pseudophilosophy and love (or something resembling it). 

o1. Anyone who says math is about numbers is absolutely lying. There are no numbers in math, with the exception of 0 and possibly 1.

o2. The only acceptable letters in mathematics are x, y, z, a, b, f (as in f(x)), i and j. Anything else is absolutely off-limits.

o3. It's okay to change your mind.

o4. Everybody thinks they know what they want, but few people actually know. Realizing how little you know is the first step to enlightenment.

o5. When your new professor says "I do not discuss grades over email" or "these assignments should be treated as take-home exams", run. Very far.

o6. Never underestimate the power of a smile.

o7. Whether it's an all-nighter, insomnia, a hangover—coffee really is the answer to all your problems.

o8. Nobody knows anything about true love at 18, 19, 22, whatever. But it's fun to hypothesize, and you can get close enough to the real thing for all practical purposes.

o9. You can write something amazing and your professor will tear it to pieces because they are a hipster who is bitter over being rejected by countless literary magazines. Don't let them sway you.

1o. Bad ideas are the most memorable ones, and will result in the best stories to tell. Ask me about the time I pranked my linear algebra TA on Valentine's Day.

11. Ambition is one of the most attractive traits in any given person.

12. So is passion.

13. Being nice to the people working on campus will get you everywhere.

14. You should probably buy that textbook in September. It will be $150 well spent, and if you don't, you will regret it in April when you're staring at the poorly-scanned .pdf version you downloaded on your computer in an attempt to be frugal.

15. Student councils run a lot more things around campus than you could ever imagine.

16. The fact that the professor standing at the front of the room is an absolutely awful teacher and you occasionally doubt his sanity does not change the fact that he is probably completely brilliant beyond your current comprehension. It's easy to forget that our professors are some of the top minds in their field worldwide.

17. You will lose touch with the people who said "forever", and that is okay. You will also figure out who your lifelong friends really are.

18. You can get a lot of free food on campus if you know where to look.

19. Know your stuff if you're going to get into an argument over it with the professor in front of your entire lecture. Know it very, very well.

2o. Your campus will provide you with countless once-in-a-lifetime opportunities. Take advantage of them.

21. You will despise your field of study at some point or another. It is inevitable.

22. Taking a chance and smiling at the stranger you've been locking eyes with all over campus is never something you will regret.

23. Western is a big place when you're searching for somebody, and a small place when you want to avoid somebody.

24. You will wonder what you're doing with your life and seriously doubt your choice of major at least once. If you don't, you're doing it wrong. Bonus points for an existential crisis.

25. Do what you love. This is harder than it sounds.

26. Riding boots will make any outfit look more put-together.

27. There are a lot of brilliant minds at university, and also a lot of not-so-brilliant minds at university. Which is which may surprise you.

28. Every other faculty is underrated.

29. Raw talent only gets you so far; the rest is hard work. Never forget that.

3o. Good storytelling is an invaluable skill and talent. Learn it.

31. Everyone here has something to teach you, whether they are your professor, a classmate, a stranger or a friend. Be open to learning.

32. "I don't know" is, occasionally, the only right answer.

33. Being a mathematics major comes with an accidental minor in the Greek alphabet.

34. After a while, campus begins to feel like home. Like when you spend twelve-hour days there.

35. Sometimes all you can do is live life one day at a time and stop planning the future. Tomorrow could change everything forever.

36. You really can do it all—with many cups of coffee.

37. Despite all the early mornings, late nights and stressful weeks, someday you're going to miss this—so make it all count.

Staring Contests

“The power of a glance has been so much abused in love stories, that it has come to be disbelieved in. Few people dare now to say that two beings have fallen in love because they have looked at each other. Yet it is in this way that love begins, and in this way only.” 

                                                                                 - Victor Hugo 


i am not above stolen grins 

and obliging the occasional reckless desire

anything to capture your attention

i just want to be in your atmosphere.

i never thought that it would come to this—

goes to show what i know.

first chance, one glance

unexpected; out of nowhere

never could i have seen it coming

goes to show what i know.

i thought it would be just once

but you proved me wrong

whether better or for worse,

it goes to show what i know.

it's not quite like me to do this

it shakes me right out of my safety net

to meet your eyes, straight-on

staring me down; a challenge?

and the question

i am afraid to ask 

this is more than the other side of the door

and more than i could have fathomed

circumstance will decide our fate—

in time

so—

dear stranger with the tentative smile,

and the bold searching stare 

thanks for turning my world upside down 

the only thing i know now is that 

i don't know anything at all

you are the best thing

that isn't mine

yet.

waiting

is going to be 

the hardest part.

for now,

i will continue

to be your best-kept secret

The Witness

It was a routine Sunday morning
Sleepy-eyed, tired hearts
Meeting once again

I was there, paralyzed
By fear and my own weakness
Fighting the demons of my own creation
Until I surrendered myself to Love
Who always makes a way

And you were there
with watchful eyes; cautious as a dove
And before my eyes, you gave yourself up to Dance—
the smallest miracle; the wish of a searching heart
I witnessed you singing with the angels
A testimony to Love
Almost bringing me to tears
At the front of a crowded room

You may not ever know how much it meant to me
To see that one small step from you
But this is my eternal wish
For you

It only took a single moment
To remind me, all over again
that Love is here; alive
and
Love
is
Now

Innocent

     It is always springtime. In fact, it was right around this time every year. 
 

     The days stay untouched by time. The details are unclear and the memories are faded along the edges, but the time and place are always familiar.

     With the perpetual rain comes an inevitable shower of whirligigs. “Helicopters,” we called them. The maple trees produce their fruit in the form of keys which spin to the earth every April in torrents. It is an almost majestic dance—they flutter and twirl on their way down, often just barely eluding our childish grasp. I think their elusive nature drew us in. Children always like to chase things, and we were no exception. So we would chase without abandon, because we didn’t know to fear the world yet. 

     I lied when I told you that my mother said that successfully catching the falling maple keys would allow us one wish, you know. I just wanted to tell you something wonderful so that you might play with me at recess. Maybe six-year-old you saw right through six-year-old me. Maybe he didn’t—and maybe someday I’ll find out. But if you did, you didn’t care. We chased them with childish dedication, and we wished like we really did believe in miracles. To this day, I still do. 

     In our six-year-old minds, we thought that it would be good idea to plant a seed from the keys in the sandbox of the school playground. We nurtured that dream every day, making sure our little patch of sand was always properly watered. Unfortunately, we may have gotten a little ahead of ourselves when we dug it back up to make sure that it was still there. But that was my first encounter with a lesson on patience—and biology.  You have to keep faith in the things that you cannot see. 

     So imagine my surprise when I got your letter out of the blue, eleven years later, asking me if I remembered you. I asked how you thought I could ever forget. My perspective has not changed since those days. Though I have grown up, I am still the girl who searches for beauty in the broken and romance in the ordinary. I still want to chase dreams and make wishes with all the innocence in the world. Some would inevitably call me naïve; childish; disillusioned—yet I would not change a thing, because those spring days with you remind me to look at the world with eyes unclouded by the jadedness that comes with age. Childlike perspective is like looking at photographs through perfect glass. 

     Right now, you are just an idea; merely a passing dream. I wouldn’t know it was you if you walked past me on the street. Perhaps you are the stranger that I unwittingly shared a smile with today, or the boy that I passed by without a second thought. But it is dizzyingly mesmerizing to think that we watch the same sky every night. And so I will watch that sky and hope you are doing the same; that the simple action might connect us across the many miles. 

     The world could be winter, but it is forever springtime in my heart.

tonight i'm going to dance for all that we've been through ♥

o1. i miss the way you drive me crazy. i miss the way you play devil's advocate like nobody's business. i miss the way that we argued over the deep, philosophical issues, but also the way that we argued over utter nonsense, and the way you made me laugh. you always kept me on my toes. i'm also intensely curious as to where you'll be in ten years. i'll see you soon. SCIENCE AND AUTOCORRECT AND FRIENDSHIP

o2. i thought i had it all figured out, but then you walked in and everything changed. suddenly i don't know anything anymore. all i know is that i want to know you better. PERFECT STRANGERS

o3. where would i be without you? you've been there literally since day two, and we've seen the craziest things happen together. someday, someone's going to realize that you're absolutely lovely—because you absolutely are. and i promise that i'll be around to say "i told you so" and remind you that sometimes things don't work out only because there really are better things in store. lifelong friends are few, but i know that we're for real. 092008D2P5MPM1D1

o4. if there ever was someone who could pass as my twin, in every sense, it would be you. you understand me so completely in a way that no one else does, because we're two sides of the same coin—we are both fighters to the core. you've always been there for me, and you know i will always be there for you. if the concept of soul sisters did exist, i think you would be mine. also, you're a fabulous writer. MAKER OF MEMORIES

o5. wow, i'm sorry. we fought over the biggest thing, and i still don't know if i would have done it differently, but i'm sorry for the way it ended. i miss the simplicity we had before it all happened, because at one point in time we really were best friends. don't you think i ever forgot. you saw me through the worst; you know my story in a way no one else does. looking back on the past few years, all my best memories are filled with you. wherever you are, i hope you're having the time of your life. OUR HAPPY ENDING

o6. my dear, you are talented, intelligent, brilliant, hilarious, charming—and can absolutely do so much better. BEST INTENTIONS

o7. what is with us? i don't even know. no words can really capture who we are to each other. when we talk, we stumble and we trip over words because we can talk about everything and nothing—forever—and still feel like we haven't said it all, or said enough. i get bored easily, but you never bore me. you've changed me more than anyone else, ever. and after all the pain we put each other through, it sounds crazy, but i wouldn't change a thing. i hope we'll always be able to say hello. INDESCRIBABLE

o8. can i just be you? seriously. i don't know how you walk around being so perfect all the time, but i want to do it too! RED LIPSTICK

o9. i couldn't pick you out of a lineup. i wouldn't know it was you if you walked past me on the street. but i know what makes you laugh; i know your hopes and dreams, and i know that you're walking the line. just knowing that you're out there brightens my day sometimes. i love that we watch the same sky. i know that we didn't meet by chance, and i know that it's been forever since we last saw each other. but to me, you're more than a memory, and i can see it now. OFF BY HEART

1o. you're wonderful. you made things change; you taught me that i can do better. you taught me that i deserve better. you taught me that chivalry is alive. you do it right. i don't know what the future holds, but all the time i think how lucky i am to have you in my life; right here, right now. PUZZLE PIECES

“May I Have This Dance?”

a sestina

I.

It was the coldest night of all the year

For us to come and choose to dance

Snowflakes settle upon the lashes of my eyes

As I open the door to the grand (ball)room

Music and laughter greet me, feather-light

I know that this is where it all begin(s)

II.

Strangers, bold behind their masks, make the choice to dance

They spin across the crowded room

Drenched in dreams as the night begins

Lost in romance, forgetting the year

Intoxicating—; I could not miss the light

Emanating from the depths of their lovers' eyes

III.

So I take a moment, breathe it in, only to begin

To lose my breath as I meet your eyes

Staring me down 'cross the reams of light

The music stops. For the first time this year

I cannot move; I cannot speak—my heart, it starts to dance

As willing feet carry me across the room

IV.

The air is sweet; love permeates the room

Upon our shoulders, endless possibilities dance

A sensation so foreign; so strange; oh, the stories it will begin

I cannot resist the spark; the flame it will soon (a)light

This is what I have waited to feel all these year(s)

And I know that I am falling, lost in deep brown eyes

V.

We move together in the truest of dance(s)

My head spins as you dip me back; seeing the upside-down room

And I am alive for the first time with brightest eyes

The music slows, and I can feel the electricity begin

We seal the moment with a touch, searing like fireworks’ light

Winter's kiss is no longer the only one that I received this year

VI.

I read the yet unwritten stories dancing in your eyes

They criss-cross the Earth; go far beyond this room

As the clock strikes midnight to end the year

There is one more adventure that will now begin

I find myself breathless; captivated by the (star)light

We are forever changed by a single, fierce dance

VII.

The year comes to a close, yet our story now begins—

We will dance with the world as our (ball)room,

Guided by (star)light—and as for the music? It’s in your eyes

C10H12N2O

     “Gravitation cannot be held responsible for people falling in love. How on earth can you explain in terms of chemistry and physics so important a biological phenomenon as first love? Put your hand on a stove for a minute and it seems like an hour. Sit with that special girl for an hour and it seems like a minute. That's relativity.”

                                                                                   – Albert Einstein

     Have you ever spilled your guts to a perfect stranger? That’s chemistry.

     Have you ever been drawn to someone for inexplicable reasons—and it was nothing they could have said or done? That’s chemistry.

     Sometimes you meet someone and you just know. Sometimes you meet somebody and the pieces start to fall together in a way you never could have forseen. Sometimes you meet somebody and they see right through all your walls and mirrors and illusions that you put up to deflect others, and they read you like an open book. That’s chemistry.

     And like all chemistry, this chemistry has consequences—mostly in the form of reactions. As humans, we behave no differently than atoms at the lowest level—we are completely powerless against attraction beyond our control.

     Except this chemistry is unique because there are no laws that govern it. It moves freely; dances of its own accord; it is unbounded by the gravity and the science that defines worldly existence. It picks and chooses its time and place with no regard for the past; it is undefined—it is perhaps the greatest mystery of our own souls.