Waiting

It's quite curious; this fragile thing we share.

I stare at the city lights twinkling outside my window and wonder where you are tonight. I wonder if you ever look out at the world and wonder about me in the same way. Sometimes I have to blink and shake my head, reminding myself that you are real and walking the same streets, day by day.

You sent those first words to me on nothing more than a wild hope; without expectations. Little did you know how they would change my world. I don't think that either of us could have imagined how this would play out. I watched a few short lines slowly transform into letters filled with our hopes and dreams, and it is ever so strange how you have gotten to know me through these words in a way that would be impossible for anyone else.

Two souls could easily sit side by side, in silence, and spend hours together without listening to each other, but our chosen choice of communication forces us to listen. The time we spend together is precious in its fleeting nature. We share our lives with each other in the most curious way, and we walk with each other, parallel and perpendicular at the same time.

You could have never known, but words are my favourite way of expression. And now, with you, even more so than ever before.

So I will send these words on a wish into the great wide world, and hope that they find you, safe and sound.

“Rivers know this: there is no hurry. We shall get there some day.”

“Falling in love is very easy for me, but giving in is near impossible. And I am fine with it.” 

                                                                                    – Anonymous

This stranger read my mind—and my heart, for I have thought the same thing so many times over.

I can find romance everywhere but in myself.

I find love around every corner, but I have never known love. 

And for now, I’m alright with that. I see everyone around me so intent on finding someone to date, but I don’t understand it. I don’t understand the rush to be in a relationship with the one that you’ll spend the rest of your life with; you have the entire rest of your lives to find that great love.

I’m in no rush to give in, and I expect that when it happens, it won’t be of my own accord. But when it happens, I’ll be waiting.

i'd do the stars with you anytime ♥

o1. i'm not usually this bold. i find it curious how one glance between us can ask so many questions. who are you and what's your story? and what is it about you that makes me want to know? and i do want to know. i know what i saw; i know that you did a double take, and i know that this is definitely not just in my head; but i can't get you out of my head. i don't believe in chance. ELECTRIC EYES

o2. sweetheart: i am nobody's fool, and you are no exception. RIEMANN

o3. we've only known each other for a few months, but it feels like you've been here forever already. everything with you is so easy. first year would have been completely different if i hadn't met you. i'm totally myself when i'm with you. we know never to take each other too seriously, but you know exactly when to be serious. everything between us came so naturally; we are like-minded souls. when i am frustrated and filled with doubt about this path, you are the one i turn to, because you understand. mathematics or chemistry? MIDNIGHTS + MORNING COFFEE

o4. you're the best. i can't believe you remembered. hearing from you makes my week in a way that no one else can. we are merely ideas; words in black and white and infinite possiblities, but that's alright—words are my favourite way of expression anyway. i always wonder if we've spoken and never known it; if we've locked eyes and never understood the truths. watch that sky and think of me. someday, my dear. THE GREATEST STORY EVER TOLD

o5. sometimes i hate you. sometimes you drive me crazy with the things you say without thinking. sometimes you just make me so angry that i can't even speak. but still—when it really comes down to it, all i want is for you to find the happiness that you're searching for. i would do anything to help you on your way. ANALYZE

o6. you can do better than this. you're going to be wonderful to some girl someday. stop being so harsh on yourself. stop feeling sorry for yourself; you've got every reason to keep your chin up. i have said these things to you over and over again, and i hope that one day you will believe them, because i believe in you. i wish you could see yourself the way i see you. GOOD TO YOU

o7. you. you, with the quick wit and sense of humor and the incredible patience. you, with the big dreams and the accidentally inspirational spirit. you: my mentor, friend, teacher. thank you. throughout all the years, i could not have asked for more. you never truly realize how much you pick up from someone after being forced to spend a few hours next to them every week, but i've learned a lot from you; more than you will ever know. i admire your passion and your ability to go out there and do everything, and do it well. you are going to be great someday. i miss you already. THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU

o8. you are the best storyteller. we can talk about anything. we met in the most unexpected way, yet here we are, years later, still facing the world together. we're the kind of friends that can go for months without seeing each other at a time, but we pick up exactly where we left off. everything could change, but our friendship never would. i know you'll always be around, and you can count on me. i always know that i'll see you soon. TIGERS

o9. nobody amuses me like you do. i don't even care what anyone says: you are wonderful. underneath all that initial pricklyness and questionable first impressions and the fact that you occasionally make me want to slap you, you are amazing. you are hilarious and talented and as much as you try to hide it, i know you have a heart of gold. don't ever change. YOUR BIGGEST FAN

1o. i am so glad that we're back on speaking terms. i'm sorry, i'm sorry, i'm sorry. i never forgot all the laughter and tears and long nights we shared and the incredible thanks i still owe to you. you always make me laugh, and i'm so glad that despite everything, we are able to forgive and rebuild this friendship. as it turns out, the laughter between us still hasn't changed. here's to hoping that it never will. MOUNTAINS STANDING

First Year Revelations

A collection of lessons I've learned from first year. A lot of conjecture on various university experiences, including but not limited to: mathematics, coffee, smiles, pseudophilosophy and love (or something resembling it). 

o1. Anyone who says math is about numbers is absolutely lying. There are no numbers in math, with the exception of 0 and possibly 1.

o2. The only acceptable letters in mathematics are x, y, z, a, b, f (as in f(x)), i and j. Anything else is absolutely off-limits.

o3. It's okay to change your mind.

o4. Everybody thinks they know what they want, but few people actually know. Realizing how little you know is the first step to enlightenment.

o5. When your new professor says "I do not discuss grades over email" or "these assignments should be treated as take-home exams", run. Very far.

o6. Never underestimate the power of a smile.

o7. Whether it's an all-nighter, insomnia, a hangover—coffee really is the answer to all your problems.

o8. Nobody knows anything about true love at 18, 19, 22, whatever. But it's fun to hypothesize, and you can get close enough to the real thing for all practical purposes.

o9. You can write something amazing and your professor will tear it to pieces because they are a hipster who is bitter over being rejected by countless literary magazines. Don't let them sway you.

1o. Bad ideas are the most memorable ones, and will result in the best stories to tell. Ask me about the time I pranked my linear algebra TA on Valentine's Day.

11. Ambition is one of the most attractive traits in any given person.

12. So is passion.

13. Being nice to the people working on campus will get you everywhere.

14. You should probably buy that textbook in September. It will be $150 well spent, and if you don't, you will regret it in April when you're staring at the poorly-scanned .pdf version you downloaded on your computer in an attempt to be frugal.

15. Student councils run a lot more things around campus than you could ever imagine.

16. The fact that the professor standing at the front of the room is an absolutely awful teacher and you occasionally doubt his sanity does not change the fact that he is probably completely brilliant beyond your current comprehension. It's easy to forget that our professors are some of the top minds in their field worldwide.

17. You will lose touch with the people who said "forever", and that is okay. You will also figure out who your lifelong friends really are.

18. You can get a lot of free food on campus if you know where to look.

19. Know your stuff if you're going to get into an argument over it with the professor in front of your entire lecture. Know it very, very well.

2o. Your campus will provide you with countless once-in-a-lifetime opportunities. Take advantage of them.

21. You will despise your field of study at some point or another. It is inevitable.

22. Taking a chance and smiling at the stranger you've been locking eyes with all over campus is never something you will regret.

23. Western is a big place when you're searching for somebody, and a small place when you want to avoid somebody.

24. You will wonder what you're doing with your life and seriously doubt your choice of major at least once. If you don't, you're doing it wrong. Bonus points for an existential crisis.

25. Do what you love. This is harder than it sounds.

26. Riding boots will make any outfit look more put-together.

27. There are a lot of brilliant minds at university, and also a lot of not-so-brilliant minds at university. Which is which may surprise you.

28. Every other faculty is underrated.

29. Raw talent only gets you so far; the rest is hard work. Never forget that.

3o. Good storytelling is an invaluable skill and talent. Learn it.

31. Everyone here has something to teach you, whether they are your professor, a classmate, a stranger or a friend. Be open to learning.

32. "I don't know" is, occasionally, the only right answer.

33. Being a mathematics major comes with an accidental minor in the Greek alphabet.

34. After a while, campus begins to feel like home. Like when you spend twelve-hour days there.

35. Sometimes all you can do is live life one day at a time and stop planning the future. Tomorrow could change everything forever.

36. You really can do it all—with many cups of coffee.

37. Despite all the early mornings, late nights and stressful weeks, someday you're going to miss this—so make it all count.

Staring Contests

“The power of a glance has been so much abused in love stories, that it has come to be disbelieved in. Few people dare now to say that two beings have fallen in love because they have looked at each other. Yet it is in this way that love begins, and in this way only.” 

                                                                                 - Victor Hugo 


i am not above stolen grins 

and obliging the occasional reckless desire

anything to capture your attention

i just want to be in your atmosphere.

i never thought that it would come to this—

goes to show what i know.

first chance, one glance

unexpected; out of nowhere

never could i have seen it coming

goes to show what i know.

i thought it would be just once

but you proved me wrong

whether better or for worse,

it goes to show what i know.

it's not quite like me to do this

it shakes me right out of my safety net

to meet your eyes, straight-on

staring me down; a challenge?

and the question

i am afraid to ask 

this is more than the other side of the door

and more than i could have fathomed

circumstance will decide our fate—

in time

so—

dear stranger with the tentative smile,

and the bold searching stare 

thanks for turning my world upside down 

the only thing i know now is that 

i don't know anything at all

you are the best thing

that isn't mine

yet.

waiting

is going to be 

the hardest part.

for now,

i will continue

to be your best-kept secret

The Witness

It was a routine Sunday morning
Sleepy-eyed, tired hearts
Meeting once again

I was there, paralyzed
By fear and my own weakness
Fighting the demons of my own creation
Until I surrendered myself to Love
Who always makes a way

And you were there
with watchful eyes; cautious as a dove
And before my eyes, you gave yourself up to Dance—
the smallest miracle; the wish of a searching heart
I witnessed you singing with the angels
A testimony to Love
Almost bringing me to tears
At the front of a crowded room

You may not ever know how much it meant to me
To see that one small step from you
But this is my eternal wish
For you

It only took a single moment
To remind me, all over again
that Love is here; alive
and
Love
is
Now

Innocent

     It is always springtime. In fact, it was right around this time every year. 
 

     The days stay untouched by time. The details are unclear and the memories are faded along the edges, but the time and place are always familiar.

     With the perpetual rain comes an inevitable shower of whirligigs. “Helicopters,” we called them. The maple trees produce their fruit in the form of keys which spin to the earth every April in torrents. It is an almost majestic dance—they flutter and twirl on their way down, often just barely eluding our childish grasp. I think their elusive nature drew us in. Children always like to chase things, and we were no exception. So we would chase without abandon, because we didn’t know to fear the world yet. 

     I lied when I told you that my mother said that successfully catching the falling maple keys would allow us one wish, you know. I just wanted to tell you something wonderful so that you might play with me at recess. Maybe six-year-old you saw right through six-year-old me. Maybe he didn’t—and maybe someday I’ll find out. But if you did, you didn’t care. We chased them with childish dedication, and we wished like we really did believe in miracles. To this day, I still do. 

     In our six-year-old minds, we thought that it would be good idea to plant a seed from the keys in the sandbox of the school playground. We nurtured that dream every day, making sure our little patch of sand was always properly watered. Unfortunately, we may have gotten a little ahead of ourselves when we dug it back up to make sure that it was still there. But that was my first encounter with a lesson on patience—and biology.  You have to keep faith in the things that you cannot see. 

     So imagine my surprise when I got your letter out of the blue, eleven years later, asking me if I remembered you. I asked how you thought I could ever forget. My perspective has not changed since those days. Though I have grown up, I am still the girl who searches for beauty in the broken and romance in the ordinary. I still want to chase dreams and make wishes with all the innocence in the world. Some would inevitably call me naïve; childish; disillusioned—yet I would not change a thing, because those spring days with you remind me to look at the world with eyes unclouded by the jadedness that comes with age. Childlike perspective is like looking at photographs through perfect glass. 

     Right now, you are just an idea; merely a passing dream. I wouldn’t know it was you if you walked past me on the street. Perhaps you are the stranger that I unwittingly shared a smile with today, or the boy that I passed by without a second thought. But it is dizzyingly mesmerizing to think that we watch the same sky every night. And so I will watch that sky and hope you are doing the same; that the simple action might connect us across the many miles. 

     The world could be winter, but it is forever springtime in my heart.