Eve

I don't want 2012. I said I did, but I don't.
I want October 2011 back, when all the pieces in my life came together after months of it being in the worst state of disaster ever.
I want that forever.

A Letter of Intent

Dear Blogspot world,

I, Helen Ngo, will not be going to prom 2012.
That is final, and that is all.

Love,
helen

Hope

At this point last year, I was on the brink of something
With someone. The door that opened for us,
Would be the same one that separated us.
We tried to delay the inevitable,
But who are we to try to change the plan of the universe?
It caught up to us anyway.

The winter months were marked by the winter that dominated me.
Long nights, longer days that tested strength at every point.
The times that the one who had promised wasn't there,
and the times that the others were; the times He was.
How scared everyone was; how scared I was.
All the secrets that would eventually unravel themselves,
the truths that we kept hidden until they could not hurt anyone.
And the night I met an old friend for the first time,
making me see the world in a different light.

Spring brought distractions; renewal.
Pretty things that caught my eye, distracting me from the matter at hand.
To the point where I forgot. Thank you.
The way one made me brave, made me believe
And taught me that there is a better way.
It seems that spring was cloaked in perpetual rain,
Yet it was somehow beautiful.

Summer taught me independence.
I disappeared for a while,
but I didn't miss out on anything, as strange as it may seem.
It was everything I needed.
It brought my biggest regret.
If I had the chance, I would have done it differently.
I knew it was wrong from day one. We both did.
But summer also taught me my greatest lesson:
to set my heart on something bigger than a fleeting world.

Autumn defined change in every facet.
I found myself set free from something that had kept me captive.
A ghost from my past walked right back into my present.
I am thankful, for few people know me as well as this.
And only in autumn did the frost on my heart melt,
introducing to me the one in my life that is teaching me second chances,
when that one thing that brought nothing but pain before.
The mirror of myself that reached past my defenses,
Bringing me hope for such an elusive gift.

This winter is different from the last in every way possible.
It is not cold in the same way.
For the first time, I feel safe; it is not hanging in the balance anymore.
I know that all the pieces have fallen into place.
And though they may become rearranged in the future,
In this moment they are exactly where they are meant to be.

I never did anticipate that this year would change everything forever.
There are some things you just can't account for.
I do not know what the future brings,
But we do not need to discover all the mysteries of the universe.
If I were to be honest, perhaps I'd admit that I'm a little afraid.
But it's not about fear, is it?
It's about fearless.

Ordinary Day

     She watches the world carefully through the transparent box of a bus shelter. The rain washes over the pavement and the streets are full of people rushing to some place or another, the city sounds blending into a distant background hum. ‘It has been the longest day,’ she reflects. It was the same routine day after day: stay up late to do homework, wake up early to face the day, attempt to find amusement in the unamusing and do it all over again later. It was like living a song on repeat. Strangers avoiding the rain duck into the shelter, crowding her into a corner. She gazes with them, waiting; watching.

     The raindrops start to fall harder, torrential sheets coming down from the pointed roof of the little box. She is transfixed by the display momentarily, watching the raindrops find their way to the ground from somewhere so high up. Winter inhabits the universe from December onwards, bringing the snow and cold. ‘Today is different,’ she realizes. She had not seen a rainstorm in many months.

     The music from her iPod skips suddenly to a Taylor Swift song. There’s something ‘bout the way the street looks when it’s just rained. She can’t help but want to smile as she realizes just how strange it is. As the sun peeks out from behind a storm cloud, she looks off into the distance, realizing just how long it had been since she has seen the streets this way. Everything glows. The skyscrapers seem to radiate back warmth and familiarity as they rise up to meet the sunshine fighting to illuminate the world. The day is no longer ordinary, no longer routine, and she finds herself unable to place why. All she knows is that in a few moments of glimpsing the familiar, everything has changed.

Cross the Line

     Before you walked into my life, the moments all blurred together. Even now, after you, they are insignificant; only snatches of memory that surface and dissolve again within seconds. In my mind's eye it is like looking at images of my younger self through frosted glass; the details are unclear and the memories are faded along the edges, but the time and place are always familiar. I look back upon them and I wonder how you did that; I wonder how you managed to affect the parts of my mind that were written before you even existed in my life. But then again, you changed me in a lot of other ways that I would never have expected either, so perhaps I should not be surprised. You taught me what it means to change.

     I have always known that there were lines. I lived inside them. They were my comfort; they made me secure knowing that I was walking in the footsteps of someone who had been there before me. I would face the same obstacles and boundaries as they did, but I would never encounter something that they had not. My life was predictable; secure. I had control, and I had not let you in, perhaps I would not have lost it. But I did, indeed, let you in, and from the moment I did so, you took my hand and danced me right across those lines. It makes me smile to think about how I never even missed them. I barely even noticed until I remembered to turn around and check, and by then they were so far behind me that I could hardly even see them anymore. You taught me to be fearless.

     However, it was not having you in my life that changed me the most. I remember the moment that I knew I needed to leave. It scared me to know that I would be walking away from everything that I had ever known. In just a few short years, you permeated every part of my life, my heart and my mind with your simple friendship. You somehow managed to do the one thing that no one else had ever managed to do: teach me to trust someone else with everything. You drenched me in your essence, spinning me around until I could not breathe, until I was looking at the entire world from the sky and seeing the world upside down, knowing that it was more right than anything else I had ever seen. I did not know how I could ever find my way in the world without you guiding me, and I do not know how I found the courage to break away from you, but I do remember taking a deep breath and putting everything you had taught me into practice: change; recklessness; fearlessness; surrendering my comfort, and reaching for the unknown.

     Which brings me to where I am now. I am worlds away from you, but I know that I am exactly where I am supposed to be. And for the first time in my life, I am able to say that I am certain that I was right about something. After you, the moments have not gone back to blurring together. They are clear and sharp, with a new sense of fragility. It is like looking at the images through perfect glass. I found my own fearlessness, my own recklessness and my own strength in the moment that I walked away from you. “I'm leaving,” I told you. But I look at the memory through clear eyes now, and maybe I was not really leaving at all. Maybe, just maybe, I was coming home.

Pathfinding

"I could take steps on this moon or that cloud,"
- LIGHTS, "Fourth Dimension"

     I could take steps on this moon or that cloud.
     I don't want to slip, though. That would be dangerous. Should I play it safe? Oh, I should calculate the trajectory of that comet before I make a move. Wouldn't want to run into it or anything.
     Hm. What is the distance from here to that moon? Perhaps a lightyear or two. Well, that's doable.
     The parallax of this asteroid is not helping with the spinning of my thoughts. I need to focus. My field of view is slowly being blocked by the orbit of that moon. Stupid Jupiter, with all those moons!
     What about that black hole over there by that supernova? Might be a bit of a drop, though. I'm not sure about that one.
     Alright, this cloud. Simple enough. I jump, and—

     Game over.

Fixed Stars Do Not Exist

Fixed Stars Do Not Exist – a sestina

Helen Ngo

October 2011

I.

[We are] two stars in a galaxy

Drawing closer as we orbit each other again

Bound by the laws of time and space, ever so rational

Fixed as long as the great universe will stand

We are the epitome of science; exhibiting the unknown

Will we be stable forever? Perhaps it will all change tonight

II.

Light-years have separated us for millennia, but not tonight

Against the laws of cosmic tradition, we will take a stand

We cannot fight this wish anymore, catching fire, breaking rational(e)

The Milky Way itself will become undone, a changed galaxy

As celestial chaos ensues; they thought this would never happen again

All eyes are on you and me as we drop a match on the great unknown

III.

The zenith will draw an invisible line upon our hearts tonight

And we will dance upon the horizon at altitudes unknown

The people on Earth will watch our trajectory, trying to (under)stand

The mysteries hidden in the depths of a great galaxy

Men and women of science, of astronomy, of the rational

Will be amazed by Nature’s dazzling show again

IV.

And exactly what is it that captivates the galaxy?

It is the meeting of two polar opposites, an experiment unknown

The axis of the very universe will be transposed tonight

As two hearts collide in a “once in a million” fireworks show again

Nature itself will fight back with evidence of the rational

But it is too late; our light shines brighter, we will (with)stand

V.

So, welcome to this strange new galaxy

Home to my heart, nothing to you [yet] but the unknown

That will soon change; scientists always try to (under)stand

We are both pawns in the game of Science, but not tonight

Right now, this moment, Logic is eclipsed by wonder again

As you make me forget the reasons why—irrational

VI.

One day the world will look back upon this and they will (under)stand

They will say, “Remember those two, the stars that chased the day into night,

And then, in the face of danger, laughed at the unknown?”

And they will hope for such another brilliant show again

It is not often that one will dare to challenge the rational

But you and I, we are sparkling so bright that we can be seen in every galaxy

VII.                            

The very Sun is eclipsed by blinding radiance tonight, as we abandon the rational

At the precipice of the galaxy, a place I thought I’d never see again

As we stand with our hands clasped against the great unknown

To the Butterflies

Butterfly, explain to me

How did this happen?

I walked carefully

I'm lost for words

Reading between the lines

Leave me breathless, undefined

Angst and hope, they contradict

Your wings aflutter,

fine and quick

Create a spark, pure attraction

Melt the ice

an equal reaction

Wings of gossamer

Intangible weight

Strike a balance, complicate

Unique deftness, a twofold gift

Makes me nervous

Constant shift

Defying logic, thing I hate

Excite a fire

Anticipate

I look to you, one of flight

Dance a bit closer

This feels right

Anticipation, read my mind

     I'm excited. I'm nervous and I'm scared of getting my hopes up, and I'm definitely scared of being disappointed, but my excitement triumphs over them all. I'm at the point where the possibilities are still endless, and it's becoming increasingly difficult to contain my emotions despite rational thought. I'm excited to have the chance to explore something I've always wanted to do but never had the chance, and I'm excited to do it with you there. I'm excited to do something new. And in spite of myself and all the promises I made, I can't help hoping that this will change everything. I feel like it could. I feel like it will. I wonder if you can read my mind.

     I wonder if you're hoping as hard as I am.

A Challenge

The world does not understand this choice.

They trivialize it, and it is tempting to listen.

It would be easy to give in; it is an undeniable weakness.

No one ever said that it would be easy to answer to the call.

Thinking of the memories; wishing to take them back,

Trying to justify what never should have transpired.   

It isn’t worth it, no matter how it may seem in the moment;

Not when the result is waking up to feel regret.  

She is imitating fire on a stage commanded by the world, 

yet for an audience of one.

She is not a pretender, but the line is becoming blurred.

Alluring beauty draws her close under false pretenses,

But she knows that if she does not resist, she will only end up burned.

Perhaps it would be simpler to stay in this temporary home,

To ignore the one voice that is always there, waiting patiently.

But if she were to push it aside now,
what fate would that spell for the future?

If it is going to be done, it may as well be done right.

It’s just not negotiable.

It isn’t a choice that she can make.

It’s a test of character; one that has been thrown at her before.

However, this time she won’t fail.

Of Wishes and Weaknesses

     She wears her dreams like the jewelry they are; elegant, dramatic, captivating. They are subtle; the only weakness in her armor, the one easily missed. She neither shatters nor creates illusion, but instead allows the world to see her the way they wish.

     He walks in step with her, though she does not know it.

     He creates illusion. He builds grand castle walls with the vines cascading over the top; he creates a moat to surround his fortress. He has drawn the line here. The theory is that nothing ever gets too close, and nothing escapes from within... but as we all know, theories are often proven wrong, as he will learn soon enough.

     They are the ones that walk by moonlight, when the universe is asleep and the stars begin to fall. They seek the place where the fire and water meet, where dreams collide and all else fails to exist. These are the careful dreamers, the ones that single-mindedly search for the infinite, elusive possibilities of the world.

     So they will walk in two opposite directions by the guide of a natural satellite until they reach the place where the very first glimpse of dawn appears; until they find their way home. It is here that they will finally meet. These are the dreamers, those who see the dawn before the rest of the world. 

“A dreamer is one who can only find his way by moonlight, and his punishment is that he sees the dawn before the rest of the world.” – Oscar Wilde

lalalala after the jump

before the jump

Hmm...

For a while now I've wanted a place to put up my creative writing and/or journal excerpts other than the Facebook Notes feature, and one summer midnight after cubing for the entire day and wrecking my wrists for a while, I decided to finally set this up. Let's see how long this lasts.