Subsisting on caffeine
Unable to fall asleep
Because chances are
My mind will be busy
With the things I tell myself
Not to worry about
I know it's not healthy
But sleep isn't a priority
As the minutes tick by
I am always preoccupied
With dreams and wishes and things that gleam
Perhaps there is more to this sorrowful scene
Write a sestina, sing a song
Where will that get me?
My math homework is wrong
Too many vectors, I can't deal
With the consequences
My fate they will seal
So I will sit here in silence
As the screen stares back, blank
I may be a disciple of science
But I don't understand chemistry
I am drowning in the memory of you and me
So tomorrow morning,
I will subsist on caffeine
Saturday, 25 February 2012
Sunday, 12 February 2012
ALS
This was 4th place winning entry for the ALS Ontario Make It Write! Contest 2011.
Dear Mama,
It is just past midnight as I write this, but I am too excited to sleep. Tomorrow I am getting married to the love of my life. I am sitting on the balcony of an unfamiliar hotel, but the city lights below surround me and remind me that I am not alone. In the quiet of the evening I can feel the summer breeze that you loved so; it ruffles my hair and tickles my feet like you used to. Even the moon is full tonight, holding so much promise for tomorrow. I wonder if you are watching it like I am. I hope that we are looking at the same sky tonight.
You would approve of my choice, I am certain. Christopher is everything that I could ask for, and everything that you could ever wish for me to find. He is a member of the international Red Cross, and soon enough we will be traveling across the globe to New Zealand, the place which I will learn to call home. I thought that I would always call Canada my home. Did you ever imagine me moving away when I grew up? I never thought that I would ever be so far away from you and Daddy, but here I am, preparing to start a chapter in my life that will take me away from everything that I have ever known. I am scared, but also excited, because there is so much to be done in the future. There is so much possibility. I will be working in a world-renowned laboratory dedicated to finding a cure for amyotrophic lateral sclerosis, while Christopher will be saving lives with the Red Cross. He is so busy, but somehow he always finds time for me. He has a fierce dedication towards everything he does, and his love for me is no exception. He keeps his promises and he amazes me everyday. You would adore him. He is gentle, handsome, talented, caring, and above all, he is so good to me. His love challenges me to be a better person. You would be pleased, Mama.
I had always imagined you planning these moments with me, though. It was so unfair the way the disease crept up on us and stole you away from us so soon. Daddy's faith was shaken for so long without you, and I worried about him so much in the months after you left. He still loves you so, so much, as do I. You are alive in us, Mama. Life may not be fair, but I remember how you taught us that we should never let that stop us from living. I remember when you were first diagnosed. I was sixteen years old that year; not a child, but not an adult either. I never thought that I would be able to live on without you, but I know now that you taught me how to be strong; how to have faith. Even when you were scared and in pain, in those horrible moments when Daddy or I broke down when we were supposed to be strong for you, you put on a brave face for us. You were our strength when we could not find it in ourselves. You are the bravest, most fearless person that I have ever known, still to this day. That was the year that I made a promise to myself to become a research scientist so I could continue to fight this battle for you even after you were no longer able to, and now I will finally have the chance. I promise that I will never give it anything less than my best, Mama; you deserve only my best. I will not stop searching until I find a cure.
I know that you are watching over me, and I hope that you are proud of what you find in me; proud of who I am becoming. You only ever wanted what is best for me, and while I did not understand that fully as a child, I know it now. Please do not worry about me, because I have found everything that you could have ever wanted me to find. As I walk down the aisle tomorrow with Daddy on the most beautiful day of my life, I hope that you will be there by my side as well. When I one day have a daughter of my own, I pray that your spirit will guide her as well, and that I can teach her to love and have faith just like you taught me. This is my greatest wish.
Every step that has brought me to where I am today is because of your love. I owe it all to you. Thank you, Mama.
All my love,
Annabelle
Saturday, 28 January 2012
More Than This
I have faith that there is more than this,
Because I cannot believe that this is all that exists.
I set my heart on something bigger than this world
Because "I cannot believe that God would play dice with the universe" (Einstein).
Look at the placement of the stars in the sky;
The way the sun rises to greet us each morning without fail.
Science itself proves the complexities of the universe;
The intricacies of the human body are no fluke.
How could anyone honestly believe that this all happened by chance;
Unintentional; purposeless; accidental; aimless luck?
I do not believe in coincidence.
But I believe in the one who designed this world;
Who gave us the gift of living in the world he arranged.
Wednesday, 18 January 2012
High School, Not Your Highness
I like playing dress-up as much as the next female does. I get it. Every girl wants to wear a gorgeous dress and feel like a princess, and I have nothing against that. However, I have a problem with creating a huge consumer-driven event and then using it as a venue to fulfill said dream.
The main problem I have with prom is the conspicuous consumption taking place, and the overall self-centered attitude that it embodies. You would think that teenagers bordering on adulthood would be able to think about a world that is greater than themselves, but prom seems to defy this illusion. Prom is, in fact, the highest symbol of teenage egocentric self-absorption.
Prom is self-indulgent and narcissistic on all levels. Though it may seem like a small-scale issue, consider the math.
1. The average prom dress costs $200-300 (give or take a couple hundred dollars). Let’s say the average graduating class has 100 females, and each of them buys a dress for the occasion. $200 x 100 = $20,000
2. They must then pay for shoes, hair, nails, corsage/boutonniere, limousine rental, etc. Let’s average this at $50. $50 x 100 = $5,000
3. The average male will rent a tuxedo/buy a shirt/pants/whatever for prom. Let’s go with an average cost of $100 (thanks, Google!). Assuming that there are 100 males in a graduating class, $100 x 100 = 10,000
4. The average cost of a prom ticket is around $60. Let us say that the average graduating class consists of 200 students. $60 x 200 = $12,000
Now, let us add up all these expenses.
20,000 + 5,000 + 10,000 + 12,000 = $47,000
This is more than a lot of people will make in a year. It is more money than some people will see in an entire lifetime, and a few overpriviledged students from one high school will use it to dance, buy fancy dresses that all look alike, and drink alcohol. Multiply this by some 10 high schools in London, and the figure comes to almost half a million. Half a million dollars is going to high school proms—the sheer insanity is staggering, is it not?
It’s hypocritical and ironic that we will often fundraise for cancer research and starving children in Africa, yet we think nothing of spending $300 on a frilly dress that we’ll wear likely once. An alpaca costs approximately $350 (World Vision), and it can help a village in Africa (How, you ask? I don’t know. I will admit that I didn’t research that far. But my point is obvious). The irony is awesome. I’m not saying that I’m a perfect saint of any sort; I’m not. But if I were required to divert $47,000 to a high school prom or people in a third-world country in need, I think I would go for the third-world country, simply because it makes any sense at all.
And another matter that seriously irks me. If a bunch of overprivileged high school kids want to have a party with fancy clothes, they should pay for it out of their own pockets, not “fundraise” for it from the community. It does not make sense that wealthy kids would take to the community and “fundraise”, diverting funds that could be better used elsewhere (ex. to help with the epidemic that is world hunger). Hey, if part of the money that went to prom could go to charity, I might even go along with it. But as it stands right now, prom is about as iniquitious as it gets.
We’re high school students, not royalty. This entire generation takes themselves way too seriously (and I will admit that I have been guilty of the same crime at times). There will be plenty of other chances to dress up—weddings, charity balls (where part of the proceeds actually go to charity; what a foreign notion), etc. Prom is really unnecessary; teenagers do not need a ridiculously expensive night to fulfill their dreams of pretense and gross extravagance. Aren’t drunken houseparties more conventional anyway? It is rather ironic that proms have the intention of being elegant and sophisticated, yet in reality they truly are anything but.
And before anyone pulls the “you’re just bitter since can’t get a date” line, there’s a really great guy in my life that I could theoretically drag to prom, but I will not torture him like that.
I know that there are probably exceptions to all my horrible sweeping generalizations, because I’m sure that not all of the people in my life have fallen victim to this deluded fantasy. I’m going to go to preprom with my friends (if they don’t hate me after reading this. Hey guys, I like you, I promise. It’s nothing personal here!) to take pretty photos and whatnot, because the photography opportunity has to be the only upside to this entire mess. But no, I’m not going to pay a ridiculous sum of money for prom.
Besides, doesn’t your conscience have something against going to a giant party funded by extortion from the community and illegal underage drinking parties? If it doesn’t, you have bigger problems.
Of course, I also kind of have a problem with reflexive contrarianism. But that’s for another time.
The main problem I have with prom is the conspicuous consumption taking place, and the overall self-centered attitude that it embodies. You would think that teenagers bordering on adulthood would be able to think about a world that is greater than themselves, but prom seems to defy this illusion. Prom is, in fact, the highest symbol of teenage egocentric self-absorption.
Prom is self-indulgent and narcissistic on all levels. Though it may seem like a small-scale issue, consider the math.
1. The average prom dress costs $200-300 (give or take a couple hundred dollars). Let’s say the average graduating class has 100 females, and each of them buys a dress for the occasion. $200 x 100 = $20,000
2. They must then pay for shoes, hair, nails, corsage/boutonniere, limousine rental, etc. Let’s average this at $50. $50 x 100 = $5,000
3. The average male will rent a tuxedo/buy a shirt/pants/whatever for prom. Let’s go with an average cost of $100 (thanks, Google!). Assuming that there are 100 males in a graduating class, $100 x 100 = 10,000
4. The average cost of a prom ticket is around $60. Let us say that the average graduating class consists of 200 students. $60 x 200 = $12,000
Now, let us add up all these expenses.
20,000 + 5,000 + 10,000 + 12,000 = $47,000
This is more than a lot of people will make in a year. It is more money than some people will see in an entire lifetime, and a few overpriviledged students from one high school will use it to dance, buy fancy dresses that all look alike, and drink alcohol. Multiply this by some 10 high schools in London, and the figure comes to almost half a million. Half a million dollars is going to high school proms—the sheer insanity is staggering, is it not?
It’s hypocritical and ironic that we will often fundraise for cancer research and starving children in Africa, yet we think nothing of spending $300 on a frilly dress that we’ll wear likely once. An alpaca costs approximately $350 (World Vision), and it can help a village in Africa (How, you ask? I don’t know. I will admit that I didn’t research that far. But my point is obvious). The irony is awesome. I’m not saying that I’m a perfect saint of any sort; I’m not. But if I were required to divert $47,000 to a high school prom or people in a third-world country in need, I think I would go for the third-world country, simply because it makes any sense at all.
And another matter that seriously irks me. If a bunch of overprivileged high school kids want to have a party with fancy clothes, they should pay for it out of their own pockets, not “fundraise” for it from the community. It does not make sense that wealthy kids would take to the community and “fundraise”, diverting funds that could be better used elsewhere (ex. to help with the epidemic that is world hunger). Hey, if part of the money that went to prom could go to charity, I might even go along with it. But as it stands right now, prom is about as iniquitious as it gets.
We’re high school students, not royalty. This entire generation takes themselves way too seriously (and I will admit that I have been guilty of the same crime at times). There will be plenty of other chances to dress up—weddings, charity balls (where part of the proceeds actually go to charity; what a foreign notion), etc. Prom is really unnecessary; teenagers do not need a ridiculously expensive night to fulfill their dreams of pretense and gross extravagance. Aren’t drunken houseparties more conventional anyway? It is rather ironic that proms have the intention of being elegant and sophisticated, yet in reality they truly are anything but.
And before anyone pulls the “you’re just bitter since can’t get a date” line, there’s a really great guy in my life that I could theoretically drag to prom, but I will not torture him like that.
I know that there are probably exceptions to all my horrible sweeping generalizations, because I’m sure that not all of the people in my life have fallen victim to this deluded fantasy. I’m going to go to preprom with my friends (if they don’t hate me after reading this. Hey guys, I like you, I promise. It’s nothing personal here!) to take pretty photos and whatnot, because the photography opportunity has to be the only upside to this entire mess. But no, I’m not going to pay a ridiculous sum of money for prom.
Besides, doesn’t your conscience have something against going to a giant party funded by extortion from the community and illegal underage drinking parties? If it doesn’t, you have bigger problems.
Of course, I also kind of have a problem with reflexive contrarianism. But that’s for another time.
Tuesday, 10 January 2012
Light
After this, I know something needs to change.
I look at the world and how it so easily accepts what is evil, declaring evil things to be okay because it has become the norm. Then I look at God, and I am reminded how as Christians we are called to reject the world; to turn away from it and be set apart; to fight the good fight and stay away from evil. To not give in.
And I know it's not easy. The strong stumble. I stumble. I've been hypocritical and I've given into the things of this world on more than one occasion; ignoring the call of the one that has always been right there, waiting for me to see the light. And I realize now that I can't give into the world anymore. It took the darkest night for me to see that I cannot take a sunrise for granted.
The way I see it, if Jesus could sacrifice his life for me, I can sacrifice worldly desires. I realize now that there is no way that I can settle for anything less; I can't live like the world anymore.
"Therefore, I urge you, brothers and sisters, in view of God’s mercy, to offer your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and pleasing to God—this is your true and proper worship. 2 Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will" - Romans 12:1-2
I can't pretend that it's my own strength or my own will that makes me righteous, though, because I know that I am not strong. I depend on the One who is my strength when I am weak; who has always been there to hold me up when I fall. "For when I am weak, then I am strong." - 2 Corinthians 12:10
And it's a humbling thing to realize that Christianity isn't about being proud of what you can do; it's about being strong enough to admit that we are weak and we need the help of someone greater than ourselves. It's about a change of heart. I'm not perfect; I'll never be perfect. But I know someone who is.
And the way this is speaking to me right now is scaring me, but I'm no longer going to shut my eyes to it. If this is where I am meant to be, if I am meant to reach out and help, then it is God who is changing my heart and so He can use me as His instrument, to set me on fire and let me be a light in the darkest world.
This is for the one whose love transcends all.
And this is for you.
Let not the things of this world ever sway me.
I look at the world and how it so easily accepts what is evil, declaring evil things to be okay because it has become the norm. Then I look at God, and I am reminded how as Christians we are called to reject the world; to turn away from it and be set apart; to fight the good fight and stay away from evil. To not give in.
And I know it's not easy. The strong stumble. I stumble. I've been hypocritical and I've given into the things of this world on more than one occasion; ignoring the call of the one that has always been right there, waiting for me to see the light. And I realize now that I can't give into the world anymore. It took the darkest night for me to see that I cannot take a sunrise for granted.
The way I see it, if Jesus could sacrifice his life for me, I can sacrifice worldly desires. I realize now that there is no way that I can settle for anything less; I can't live like the world anymore.
"Therefore, I urge you, brothers and sisters, in view of God’s mercy, to offer your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and pleasing to God—this is your true and proper worship. 2 Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will" - Romans 12:1-2
I can't pretend that it's my own strength or my own will that makes me righteous, though, because I know that I am not strong. I depend on the One who is my strength when I am weak; who has always been there to hold me up when I fall. "For when I am weak, then I am strong." - 2 Corinthians 12:10
And it's a humbling thing to realize that Christianity isn't about being proud of what you can do; it's about being strong enough to admit that we are weak and we need the help of someone greater than ourselves. It's about a change of heart. I'm not perfect; I'll never be perfect. But I know someone who is.
And the way this is speaking to me right now is scaring me, but I'm no longer going to shut my eyes to it. If this is where I am meant to be, if I am meant to reach out and help, then it is God who is changing my heart and so He can use me as His instrument, to set me on fire and let me be a light in the darkest world.
This is for the one whose love transcends all.
And this is for you.
Let not the things of this world ever sway me.
Saturday, 31 December 2011
Eve
I don't want 2012. I said I did, but I don't.
I want October 2011 back, when all the pieces in my life came together after months of it being in the worst state of disaster ever.
I want that forever.
I want October 2011 back, when all the pieces in my life came together after months of it being in the worst state of disaster ever.
I want that forever.
Thursday, 29 December 2011
A Letter of Intent
Dear Blogspot world,
I, Helen Ngo, will not be going to prom 2012.
That is final, and that is all.
Love,
helen
I, Helen Ngo, will not be going to prom 2012.
That is final, and that is all.
Love,
helen
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