120 Hours

This past week marked the very first time that I have been challenged to the very limits of my abilities. It has literally been the worst 120 hours of undergrad to date. I have never wanted to quit so badly; I've never before thought that maybe I'm not cut out for math. Between the Real Analysis midterm that made my head spin trying to understand what the question was asking and the back-to-back deadlines, I questioned my decision for the first time ever, and I know that I wasn't the only one.

For the first time, I wondered if I was good enough. I spent some time (out of what very limited time that I actually had) doing some soul searching and seriously considering switching out into something easier. The option was real for a moment. I'd never doubted this choice of path so much before. For the first time since choosing Western math, I considered changing my mind. Those were some long nights.

But then I got back a perfect midterm. And then I ran into a professor from first year who never ceases to make me laugh, and while we were talking, he admitted that math is really, really hard—but it should be. There is a reason why math majors are known for having a decent amount of brain cells. Looking around at my classmates, I've found that it's true: I've been out of my element; I've sat down in a class full of incredibly talented people and felt lost—and that experience is why I have a lot of respect for my peers and professors, now more than ever after having seen the challenge firsthand.

This professor reminded me of the incredible potential of mathematics, and I walked away from Middlesex College that afternoon feeling better than I had all week, with a much-needed reminder to keep my eyes set on the goal and my heart set on the dream. There's something that I'd lost sight of somewhere in the chaos of this week: the truth is, I wouldn't want to be doing anything else. I love the challenge, and I love mathematics more than I hate the fear of failing, so I'm going to take a deep breath and a leap of faith because I know that someday this will all be worth it.