Subsisting on Caffeine

Subsisting on caffeine
Unable to fall asleep
Because chances are
My mind will be busy
With the things I tell myself
Not to worry about

I know it's not healthy
But sleep isn't a priority
As the minutes tick by
I am always preoccupied
With dreams and wishes and things that gleam
Perhaps there is more to this sorrowful scene

Write a sestina, sing a song
Where will that get me?
My math homework is wrong
Too many vectors, I can't deal
With the consequences
My fate they will seal

So I will sit here in silence
As the screen stares back, blank
I may be a disciple of science
But I don't understand chemistry
I am drowning in the memory of you and me
So tomorrow morning,
I will subsist on caffeine

ALS

     This was 4th place winning entry for the ALS Ontario Make It Write! Contest 2011.

     Dear Mama,

     It is just past midnight as I write this, but I am too excited to sleep. Tomorrow I am getting married to the love of my life. I am sitting on the balcony of an unfamiliar hotel, but the city lights below surround me and remind me that I am not alone. In the quiet of the evening I can feel the summer breeze that you loved so; it ruffles my hair and tickles my feet like you used to. Even the moon is full tonight, holding so much promise for tomorrow. I wonder if you are watching it like I am. I hope that we are looking at the same sky tonight.

     You would approve of my choice, I am certain. Christopher is everything that I could ask for, and everything that you could ever wish for me to find. He is a member of the international Red Cross, and soon enough we will be traveling across the globe to New Zealand, the place which I will learn to call home. I thought that I would always call Canada my home. Did you ever imagine me moving away when I grew up? I never thought that I would ever be so far away from you and Daddy, but here I am, preparing to start a chapter in my life that will take me away from everything that I have ever known. I am scared, but also excited, because there is so much to be done in the future. There is so much possibility. I will be working in a world-renowned laboratory dedicated to finding a cure for amyotrophic lateral sclerosis, while Christopher will be saving lives with the Red Cross. He is so busy, but somehow he always finds time for me. He has a fierce dedication towards everything he does, and his love for me is no exception. He keeps his promises and he amazes me everyday. You would adore him. He is gentle, handsome, talented, caring, and above all, he is so good to me. His love challenges me to be a better person. You would be pleased, Mama.

     I had always imagined you planning these moments with me, though. It was so unfair the way the disease crept up on us and stole you away from us so soon. Daddy's faith was shaken for so long without you, and I worried about him so much in the months after you left. He still loves you so, so much, as do I. You are alive in us, Mama. Life may not be fair, but I remember how you taught us that we should never let that stop us from living. I remember when you were first diagnosed. I was sixteen years old that year; not a child, but not an adult either. I never thought that I would be able to live on without you, but I know now that you taught me how to be strong; how to have faith. Even when you were scared and in pain, in those horrible moments when Daddy or I broke down when we were supposed to be strong for you, you put on a brave face for us. You were our strength when we could not find it in ourselves. You are the bravest, most fearless person that I have ever known, still to this day. That was the year that I made a promise to myself to become a research scientist so I could continue to fight this battle for you even after you were no longer able to, and now I will finally have the chance. I promise that I will never give it anything less than my best, Mama; you deserve only my best. I will not stop searching until I find a cure.

     I know that you are watching over me, and I hope that you are proud of what you find in me; proud of who I am becoming. You only ever wanted what is best for me, and while I did not understand that fully as a child, I know it now. Please do not worry about me, because I have found everything that you could have ever wanted me to find. As I walk down the aisle tomorrow with Daddy on the most beautiful day of my life, I hope that you will be there by my side as well. When I one day have a daughter of my own, I pray that your spirit will guide her as well, and that I can teach her to love and have faith just like you taught me. This is my greatest wish.

     Every step that has brought me to where I am today is because of your love. I owe it all to you. Thank you, Mama.

     All my love,

     Annabelle