Where You Will Find Me

Tonight, my thoughts are in a crowded room
with strangers whom I will never meet (in this universe)
Amongst a cacophony of bright chandelier lights
and conversations the darkest shade of royal blue  

Tonight, my thoughts are with the pretty eyes
that were locked on you from the very first day
I can read her mind from 3549 miles away
and I only wish that I were more wrong

Tonight, my thoughts are in a different timezone
five hours away, but seeming closer to a lifetime
Sleepy heartbeats tick with the midnight clock
You promised to never make me wait

Tonight, my thoughts are with you (of course)
spinning around in a ballroom of like minds
enchanted in a place an infinite order from home—
if you believe that home is where the heart is

Tonight, my thoughts are galaxies away in the past:
four months ago, to the time when we stood together
on the holy ground of a crowded airport tea shop and
you kissed me good-bye for another four months' time

Tonight, my thoughts are with tomorrow
Perpetually at home in the hopeful airport terminal
waiting until the day that letters, missed calls and
heartbeats align in Euclidean space and infinite time

i need a metric (space)

“If you aren't in over your head, how do you know how tall you are?”

                                                         - T.S. Eliot

Well, I'm about to find out for the first time. I am absolutely,
positively, most definitely in way over my head.
But I always did like a good challenge, and I can't quit now.
I guess I'll just have to learn a little faster.
We all stand a little taller on the shoulders of giants.

a million questions

i want to be the kind of girl who wears red lipstick.
i want to be the kind of girl who can do math and tell stories.
i want to be the kind of girl who wears cute socks and polka dotted tights.
i want to be the kind of girl who writes in coffee shops.
i want to be the kind of girl who drinks black coffee.
i want to be the kind of girl who plays guitar.
i want to be the kind of girl who can code.
i want to be the kind of girl who reads both great literature and yellow books.
i want to be the kind of girl who will fight to see the morning skyline.
i want to be the kind of girl who wears skirts and dresses, even in the winter.
i want to be the kind of girl who dances in storms without caring about wet hair.
i want to be a scholar of the Renaissance.
i want to be the kind of girl who believes in imperfect people doing amazing work.
i want to be the kind of girl who sees beauty in the broken and the best of humanity.
i want to be the kind of girl who loves God and life and living.
i am just a perfectly flawed girl.

there are all kinds of love in this world, but never the same love twice

                                                                             - F. Scott Fitzgerald

o1. maybe i'm happy to find out that i could be wrong about this. you are a contradiction and a mystery, and i wish i could have gotten to know you better. your quick wit was never lost on me. it's wonderful to think that maybe we have more time, after all. and even if our paths were to never cross on this Earth again, i expect to dance with you amongst angels Someday. FIBONACCI

o2. okay, i'll say it: i love the way you wonder. i like the way you ask questions; i admire that you are always searching for answers. i like the way that you never stop learning—you act like everyone around you has something to teach you, and that is what i admire about so deeply about you. i think you're bound for greatness. WEIERSTRASS

o3. i miss you. i also worry about you, but i've never known anyone braver. i'm lucky to have you in my life, even if only sometimes. i think about you watching sunrises out there, and it makes me smile. i will always be around, m'dear. CHURCHILL

o4. we know what everyone is saying, but we never say a word. once in a while you meet someone and everything clicks, and it's like you've known them all along. this is you and i. you make me laugh more than anyone does, and we philosophize like it's everything. nothing you say phases me, and i can't believe that we basically just met. now it feels like i don't know how i ever did without your laughter in my life; how i'll ever do without it again. CAUCHY-SCHWARZ

o5. they say that if a friendship lasts seven years, then it will last a lifetime. i sure hope they're right about us. we've seen it all. maybe that's why we are the best storytellers together. i love the way you love with all you have. i love how you are unafraid of adventure. TAYLOR SWIFT

o6. maybe it's the brilliance of the city or maybe it's just the fleeting wonder of our friendship, but wandering the city with you that night? it stayed with me. it feels like we can always pick up where we left off; like i could see us doing this in years' time, catching up on big dreams and priceless conversation. i don't know where life will take us, but i know that i will see you again. TORONTO

o7. all the talent in the world can't make up for a lacking personality. there is more to it than this. don't you ever forget that. DIRICHLET

o8. you may be younger, but i look up to you; you are an inspiration. you are stunningly talented and yet the sweetest thing. run with that ambition, and don't ever let anyone tell you otherwise. those big dreams are going to be take you so far in this crazy life. i expect to see your name in print one day. oh, and do note that you can wear pretty dresses and still be the most incredible scientist. LOVELACE

o9. i never understand anything you say, but it's okay. you are the oddest one, but with more than enough talent to make up for it. i've never met anyone who embodies the Renaissance scholar quite as perfectly as you do; the world is yours. i'm infinitely curious to know where you will end up. ERDOS

1o. we both wanted you to be a hero. and the truth is, you are lovely, but i can't wait forever for maybe. i can't plan my tomorrows around a possibility, and i can't fall in love with a beautiful idea—even if it's the safest way to fall. i will never say that we were a waste of time, but i will say that maybe all we were meant to be to each other is an infinitely beautiful idea. GUESSING

Prisoner's Prayer (The Lost)

"What city are we in?"
I dare to ask the boy whom I have never met,
whose posture is as straight as the loaded gun
that clinks—hard—against his skin,
which is darker than the desert night itself.

He walks in step with me, hard military boots echoing
against the barren Earth, so unlike the sound of my bare feet
being worn against the callous ground across the miles.
The fear of 235 of my sisters ricochets throughout the night,
and I realize for the first time that silence is strong enough to strangle,
and as forceful as the ropes wrapped around my wrists.

He turns to me, all ebony skin in sharp contrast against
the undeniable crimson imprinted on hands that are worn with scars.
Tawny eyes betray his startling youth, and a fire lit by human ashes.
They carry the hurt of the ages, a perfect mirror of this wasteland—
as well as a regret so fiercely hot that it almost burns through me.

A moment—his Commander's back is turned toward the horizon;
he snatches my hands and slices savagely, aimlessly in the dark.
The short knife slips against my wrist; my breath catches
as I feel my lifeblood begin to slip from my veins,
as freely as the Ouémé River running in the springtime—
drops stain the sand, finding their way back to Mother Earth.

His voice is a gunshot in the dark as he whispers in broken Arabic,
"Ukhayyatun,"—little sister—"you run, and never look back."
Strong hands shove me into the unknown. I am off, a firework
into the darkness, aligning myself with the land mapped onto my heart,
looking only to Circinus and the call of the antelope to guide my way.

As I flee into the Nigerian midnight, to safety—
leaving behind my sisters and our captors in the forsaken wilderness,
I let myself cry for the unnamed boy from the other side
whom I hope to never cross paths with again in this wretched life.
I send up a prayer to God for mercy upon his soul
as I realize that I am not the only one who needs to be saved.

Second Year Revelations

I go to school for mathematics, but second year has taught me about so much more. Here are the things that I learned, inside and outside of the lecture halls. 

o1. People at university like meetings. They like holding meetings, talking about holding meetings, and talking during the meetings that they hold.

o2. Oh, and emails. People at university love emails.

o3. Sometimes your professors see the potential in you that you can't see in yourself, and for that I am grateful. I owe a world of thanks to the math professor who told me that my dreams are worth pursuing when I had convinced myself otherwise.

o4. Some of the classmates that I sit beside today are going to be great tomorrow. They are going to be mathematicians and doctors and teachers and physicists and leaders, and they are going to be amazing.

o5. Sometimes the most useful thing someone can do is not to give you any advice at all. Own your decisions, the resulting consequences and the gifts.

o6. It makes a world of difference if you do the readings and problem sets before class as opposed to after class.

o7. "If you think about it", you can come to any conclusion in the world. (This one's for you, Calculus 2502.)

o8. A sharp pencil makes all the difference.

o9. You don't have to be a genius to do math.

1o. If the problems that you're doing don't make you want to bang your head on the desk and scream and quit and cry, then you're not working on hard enough problems.

11. The people get stranger as you progress deeper into academia.

12. It's easy to forget about your own ability when you go to an incredible university and are constantly surrounded by so much talent, but never forget why you are here in the first place.

13. Sometimes you have to say no to people. That's okay.

14. University is just a big game as to who can be the most overcaffeinated, underslept, stressed and still make it on top.

15. Being ahead of the game is the best feeling in the entire world.

16. Your health really does come first. I learned this the really, really hard way. Don't do that.

17. Well-lit study space is the ultimate commodity.

18. Waking up fifteen minutes early in the morning can change your entire day for the better.

19. Never underestimate the incredible power of the perfect little skirt.

2o. Sweatpants are still not okay.

21. Everyone always needs a stapler, and no one ever has one.

22. It's about the experience. You're missing out if you don't have a sleepless night once in a while.

23. Context is everything.

24. You never see the whole story. The people who appear to be the most put-together are often those who are the most stressed out.

25. You don't always have to talk. Sometimes silence speaks louder.

26. The hardest decision is to take the high road, but it is one that you will never regret.

27. Wikipedia is an incredible math resource when you have the knowledge to comprehend what it says. Otherwise, it's just a bunch of nonsensical strung-together symbols and accurate yet ridiculously convoluted proofs.

28. If there exists a textbook, there exist solutions somewhere.

29. Cute cats make every PowerPoint presentation instantly better, no matter what the topic!

30. Everything in the entire world can be reduced to systems of linear equations if you try hard enough.

31. Being kind to perfect strangers will take you far in life.

32. You can only eat so much pizza before you have to start eating real food.

33. Stop substituting infinity into equations; nothing good ever comes out of it.

34. Punctuality is impressive, but it shouldn't have to be. We live in a culture that makes it okay to be late as long as you let someone know, but really, you still wasted fifteen minutes of someone else's life.

35. No one ever thinks "Oh, I wish I'd spent more time on Facebook." Ever.

36. The most important trait for success in math is not mental arithmetic, hard work or even talent; it's creativity (and sometimes a little bit of luck).

37. It isn't until you get deeper into school that you realize how vast the world is, how limited the scope of human knowledge is, and just how much you still have to learn. But the moment that you make that realization is quite enlightening.

38. You are more certain of your path at fifteen (fueled by blind confidence) than you are at twenty (fueled by the revelation of your own ignorance).

39. Some professors will teach you about math. Some will teach you about so much more.

4o. When in doubt, proof by induction. Also, thanks to one Discrete Structures professor, I will never again write, "Let P(n) be true."

41. The really cool thing about math is how you can take two seemingly unrelated concepts and come up with a beautiful relationship between them.

42. Real life would be simpler if we worked exclusively over the field of complex numbers. (Because then your characteristic polynomial would always split!)

43. Everyone here has something to teach you. Whether or not they're fun to talk to—well, that's a different story.

44. It is still only, ever, all about the chase.

45. It turns out that you can't just change the question to suit your needs, you actually have to answer the question.

46. Never underestimate the power of a well-placed "if and only if" statement.

47. There are all sorts of infinities (thanks, Real Analysis), but finiteness is just as essential, for humanity is finite.

48. Sometimes it's simply figuring out the right questions to ask. Everything else will fall into place.

an infinite war

I've been thinking about this whole God thing lately.
I've been reconsidering this whole God thing lately.
These past six months have shaken my faith.
But I heard "Oceans" today, and I heard this stunning song,
and I could hear your heart calling—
how timely, considering that Easter is coming up.
I'm still not sure of this life.
I'm still furious, and I still want answers.
But I want this Love more than ever.
This truth haunts me; it won't let me go.
And I find that maybe not all is lost.
I find that maybe I have never been more sure of anything in my life.
And I find that perhaps I am not too lost for you to find.
Maybe I am never too lost for you to find.